What to do if your mom scolds you. My mom doesn't understand me, we fight all the time

23.04.2020

« My mom doesn’t understand me… I can’t just walk up to her, hug her and say I love her… we are like strangers… I don’t like the way she lives… she has been suppressing me all my life… I feel guilty about her all the time” - this is only a small part of the complaints that I heard in consultations from women, my clients.

Moreover, from a variety of women: working and housewives, married and unmarried, with different education and income level, women from complete families and those whose mother divorced a long time ago. And these women, so different, all interesting in their own way, in fact are already adults, nevertheless, like little girls they wanted motherly love, affection and asked “ Why? Why doesn't my mom understand me?».

Intrigued by this topic, I noticed that women who have a difficult relationship with their mother have something in common. Remembering their childhood, talking about it, they, one way or another, convey some tension in the family atmosphere in which they grew up.

Tension arose either during scandals, or wore a hidden form, when the little girl could not understand where it came from, what was the reason, but she felt it well.

What also united these women, whose relationship with their mother was difficult, was their inherent confusion in the face of a world of emotions. Where emotions appeared, confusion began: misunderstanding of oneself or others, a desire to help to the detriment of oneself, or vice versa - a selfish search for extremely vivid sensations, constant doubts, contradictions - there are many options, but, ultimately, we can talk about a decrease emotional intelligence(the ability to understand and manage their own and others' emotions).

For example, in Olga (names hereinafter changed), a strong emotional upsurge was often replaced by depressive states, and she had no idea about the reasons for what was happening.

Another client, Marina, often found herself in a situation where she “given all the best” for her friends for a long time and patiently, helped them, and they simply used her, which led to grievances, disappointments and depression, while Marina did not understand how to get out of these situations and what was happening at all.

Another woman, Svetlana, in pursuit of strong emotions, found them in relationships with bright, unbalanced and narcissistic men, although she had long wanted a family and children, but did not understand how to break away from attachment to such men who were not inclined to create a family.

Navigation on the article “My mother does not understand me, we constantly swear. How to build relationships?

Constantly arguing with mom, what is the reason?

You will have to think and analyze. There is such a thing as “transferring a mother’s life script to her daughter.” Girls who grew up in families where they were alone, rejected, or overwhelmed with disproportionate responsibilities developed an enormous need for unstable codependent relationships, the habit of controlling people and circumstances.

In addition, such women do not always understand themselves well, their emotions, sometimes they cannot find unity between reason and feelings, and sometimes they do not even know where to look for these feelings.

Perhaps you already have children of your own. Helpful questions to ask yourself:

What is your parenting style?
Are you following the path of your mother?

If all this is about you, then you can and should work with it. Including a psychologist.

Is constructive dialogue possible?

After forgiveness of insults and separation from the mother, you can think about a constructive dialogue with her. Often women who want build relationships with mom and change something, ask questions:

"how to talk to her?"
“how to make her finally understand?”

Many say with pain that they tried to speak more than once, but ran into a wall of misunderstanding, alienation, or maternal anger.

True strength lies in love and attention to yourself and the environment. One of the most beautiful gifts that this life presents us is that every person who sincerely does good to another, thereby necessarily does good to himself.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mom swears and beats me.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello, I am 14 years old. I want to tell you about my mother. She is very irascible. My mom swears and yells all the time. For example: I spill milk, and she swears at me with a 3-story mat. And many other mats. Here is another story: she spent 100 rubles. on a watermelon, then she yells at me that I stole this money, and then she started to beat me and there were bruises on my legs. Later, she remembered that she spent those 100 rubles. for a watermelon. Is this generally normal for your child? She also curses me. Sometimes I ask her for 10 rubles, and she sends me and pulls my hair. I even wanted to end my life. My mother also threatens to send her to an orphanage. Sometimes it can hit people on the head in front of people. As a child, she almost killed me, my mother beat me and hit me on the head, after that I became stupid, I even want to heal a little. Tell me, please, what should I do with my mother? Does she get an article for this? Do I need to be treated? And they will deprive her of parental rights, and where will they send me then? And who should apply? There are suspicions that this is not my mother, that she took it from the orphanage. Answer the question please.

The psychologist Akhmetkhanova Dilyara Rashidovna answers the question.

Dear Victoria!

I deeply sympathize with you. I understand how much you miss a loving, caring, affectionate mother. And you certainly deserve one. But, unfortunately, the reality is that your mother often yells at you and even raises her hand. Probably, your mother herself is in a difficult life situation, plus she knows how to poorly manage herself, her emotions and actions. But that's certainly no excuse for her mistreating you.

You ask what to do with your mother. Of course, it is not worth enduring her humiliating treatment both morally and physically. But to expect that she would suddenly become an affectionate and ideal mother would be a delusion. Yes, there are articles of the law prohibiting child abuse and entailing punishment in the form of a fine or imprisonment. But with this question, you'd better contact the lawyers. Being legally informed will make it easier for you to protect yourself.

As a psychologist, I want to emphasize how important it is for you now to continue to maintain and strengthen faith in yourself, in your bright future. You should not take responsibility for your mother's behavior or feel guilty. You need to understand that your mother’s inadequate words and actions do not stem from your shortcomings or bad behavior but because of its internal conflicts.

Don't even think about dying! Let the current difficulties be an additional motivation for you to get back on your feet faster, become independent, and for this you need to study well, think now about who you would like to become in the future, make plans and think step by step how to implement them .

Now it would be useful for you to enlist the support of an adult from your inner circle - dad, aunt, school teacher or another person whom you could trust, and who would support you and, in which case, help defend your rights. By the way, your mother, noticing that you can stand up for yourself, and you will no longer give yourself offense and silently endure her antics, will also moderate her ardor and be more selective in words and deeds.

In extreme cases, you can always contact the police or call the All-Russian helpline for children and adolescents (it is free, around the clock): 8-800-2000-122. Or call the hotline in your city. Good luck!

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Why is mom swearing?

Since the situations and characters of people are different, the causes of quarrels are individual, and it is impossible to analyze each case. However, there are a number of common factors that give rise to conflicts between the mother and the grown-up daughter.

1. No matter how old you are - 6, 16 or 36, you always remain a child for your mother. And maternal instinct requires you to teach and protect, and if the child does not obey, then punish. Your independence and self-reliance is annoying, as your mother believes that she is older and better versed in life.

2. Misunderstanding and rejection of the way of life, habits, values of the younger generation is one of the most common causes of quarrels. Parents often find their children's activities frivolous ("Why hang around at the computer, it's better to go wash the dishes!"), Clothes and makeup are vulgar, and behavior is defiant. This is not the fault of the parents, they grew up at a different time.

3. Fear, concern for the daughter. The mother always worries and worries about the children, seeks to protect them from trouble, and as they grow up, they get out of her control. This is annoying and often causes a desire to keep them by force.

4. The need for warmth and attention. Mom may think that you are not paying attention to her, moving away from her more and more. This, against the backdrop of approaching old age, cannot but offend. And resentment often manifests itself in aggression and scandals.

5. The reason may be in you - in your coldness (you have enough problems without it) and in the absence of a desire to listen.

These are objective reasons, they are not personal and will always affect your relationship with your mother. Therefore, you need to treat them with understanding and not assume that only you are faced with them.

How to stop fighting with your mom

Constant conflicts between mother and daughter are hard for both, and both sides are to blame for them. This must be recognized in order to improve relations with mom. And to do this is not so difficult.

1. To understand is to forgive. Understanding the behavior of the mother, empathy with her will help you overcome your resentment and not break into reciprocal rudeness in quarrels.

2. Separate yourself from her, stop perceiving yourself as part of the mother, her life. (Such a separation in psychology is called separation.) You are independent individuals, and the mother’s bad mood often has nothing to do with you.

3. Talk to your mother, but do not complain - this will lead to a new quarrel. Talk about your desire to communicate with her, about your need for her participation and care, you can talk about your problems, ask for advice.

4. Find common ground, common interests. For example, offer to watch a movie you like, read and discuss your mom's favorite book, rejoice at the parent's success in needlework and brag about your achievements.

And remember, the older mothers get, the more they want the love and attention of their daughters, and the more and more often they are offended by the coldness and detachment of children. Be your mother's friend and the source of strife will disappear.

It is difficult to build a relationship with a mother who thinks she knows best how you need to live. In her opinion, you are doing everything wrong: working, driving a car, raising children, dressing and just living. Constantly makes venomous remarks and insists on what to do and how to do it.

Criticism instead of concern

When she is around, you are out of breath and on edge. At this moment I want to shout: “Stop criticizing! Leave me alone!". It's hard when mom constantly wants it to be the way she said. You try to be silent, not to pay attention to her nit-picking, but it only gets worse.

In response to silence, she will look at you with heavy reproach in her eyes and stop talking, making it clear that she was offended. And she will remain silent until you ask her forgiveness. And if you express your opinion, she will begin to prove her case. You continue to insist on your own, - he will yell, choosing such words so that his heart aches.

Not sure how to deal with her. You are silent, and she is offended. You speak your mind, you get angry. Trying to calmly talk - does not understand. Why is my mother behaving like this? Tries to change you and your lifestyle. Insults and criticizes. After all, when they constantly say that something is always wrong with you, you involuntarily begin to think: “What if, really, I’m not like that?”

Who loves to criticize?

There are people who want to get to the bottom of things. They are meticulous and scrupulous. They like to clarify and carefully analyze every detail of everything they study. They are assiduous, slow, able to notice the smallest flaws and imperfections. Possess excellent memory and analytical mind.

All these properties are given to them in order to accumulate information, separate the wheat from the chaff and teach the acquired knowledge to the next generation.

As explains System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, such people have anal vector. A vector is a specific set innate properties, desires and abilities that shape the character, habits and behavior of a person.

It is important for owners of the anal vector to ensure quality and accuracy transmitted information. By focusing on details, shortcomings and mistakes, they become masters of their craft, perfectionists .

Criticism and criticism, two sides of the same coin

A person with an anal vector prioritizes cleanliness and cleansing from "dirt". Seeks to find a drop of tar in a barrel of honey. Applies constructive criticism, which contributes to bringing any business to perfection and brings benefits.

But when such a person is offended, he accumulates internal dissatisfaction and tension, which turns into frustration. Frustrations change direction from "clean" to "dirty". The desire for purity is replaced by dirtiness. The person becomes stubborn you can't argue.

In a state of stress or frustration, he often uses the words of the toilet vocabulary. Maybe humiliate, humiliate, criticize. Just to prove my point. At the same time, he may completely not own the subject, about which in question. Carries a drop of tar in a barrel of honey and enjoys this process.

He tends to experience not only social, but also sexual frustration. Possessing a powerful libido and not receiving pleasure, he accumulates tension, which manifests itself as aggression and criticism.

After making his venomous remark, he gets temporary relief. But after a while, it becomes even more aggressive and cruel. He splashes out the newly accumulated portion of the dirt, choosing such words in order to prick even more painfully. It is useless to argue or prove anything to a person in this state.

What to do if mom constantly criticizes?

The reason that your mother constantly criticizes you is not in you, but in her condition, which delivers a lot of negativity not only to you, but also to herself.

The hardest thing is when there is no way to stop communicating with such a person. In this case, understanding the condition of the mother will help to resist and maintain peace of mind. Awareness of the features of her character and psychological state allows you to objectively see the situation. Change your reaction to baseless criticism and poisonous words that drive you to despair.

Join Yuri Burlan's free online lectures on system-vector psychology to find out the answers to your questions and restore peace in the family. Registration here: http://www.yburlan.ru/training/

The article was written using materials

Smart kid!

Mom scolds son

If you cry, I will exchange you for another, good and obedient boy!

Will not work!

And why is that?

Where can you find a fool who agrees to exchange good baby for bad?

A mother reprimands her seven-year-old child for something for a long time. He silently looks at her attentively. When she calmed down a little, the child gives out:

You know, mom, your lower lip slaps against your upper lip in such an interesting way ...

The mother scolds her daughter. The girl screams through her tears:

Mommy, don't scold me! I am a very good child.

Why do you think so?

Because not a single housekeeper stays with us for more than a month, and I have been living with you for six years.

Temka was 6 years old, scolded him for something, sits, pouted.

The husband comes up to him and asks:

What, Timokha, is your mother strict?

To which the child calmly replies:

Dad, it was your choice ... But I got this one ...

Mother scolds 15-year-old daughter who returned home late:

I didn't even leave the house when I was your age! Rather than hanging out on the street, I'd rather help me bake a cake for my 30th birthday!

Mother instructed teenage daughter:

The choice of a husband is a responsible matter. This must be treated wisely. Look at dad here. He can fix anything: he repairs the car himself, and he can fix everything in the house: electricity, plumbing ... And if the furniture breaks, he will also fix it ...

The daughter nodded her head. All this happened before her eyes.

So. If you find yourself such a husband, - continued the mother, - then you will never have anything new

A Jewish mother comes out onto the balcony and shouts:

Arkasha! Home!

The boy raises his head and shouts back:

I'm frozen?

Not! Would you like to eat!

Daughter (6 years):

Ah, thank you, love!

Daughter (16 years):

Mom, you are so beautiful today!