About the book "Who is in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator". Book: George Simon Who's in Sheep's Clothing? Read Who's in Sheep's Clothing? How to recognize a manipulator (Simon George)

10.11.2019

"I was surrounded by nice, pretty people, slowly squeezing the ring." This phrase fully reflects the way people of a certain type act. It's about about manipulators who gently rub themselves into our confidence and use our disposition, kindness and inability to say no, for their own purposes. Often we do not realize that someone is shamelessly using us, and when we realize this, it is already too late: we are devastated, humiliated and depressed. How to recognize manipulators and not give them the slightest chance? This is what the famous American psychologist George Simon writes about. The classification of manipulative personalities, the way they act, the methods of dealing with them - all this is in the book "Who in sheepskin?”, which became a worldwide bestseller.

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George Simon

"I was surrounded by nice, pretty people, slowly squeezing the ring." This phrase fully reflects the way people of a certain type act. We are talking about manipulators who unobtrusively ingratiate themselves with us and use our disposition, kindness and inability to say “no” for their own purposes. Often we do not realize that someone is shamelessly using us, and when we realize this, it is already too late: we are devastated, humiliated and depressed. How to recognize manipulators and not give them the slightest chance? This is what the famous American psychologist George Simon writes about. Classification of manipulative personalities, the way they act, methods of dealing with them? all this is in the book "Who is in sheep's clothing?", which became a world bestseller.

George Simon

Who is in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

Project Manager O. Ravdanis

Proofreader E. Chudinova

Computer layout A. Abramov

Cover design M. Borisov

Art director S. Timonov

The cover design uses images from shutterstock.com.

This book will help:

Understand which of those around you are manipulating;

Develop the right line of conduct with manipulators of all stripes;

Learn not to give in to those who want to use you for their own purposes.

Having read a whole selection of books on various issues of personality development, works on psychology, psychiatry and so on, I simply HAVE to recommend this book to you as one of the most important. She paves a simple and understandable path through the verbal husk. I purchased several copies for my friends - the book is beyond praise.

E. Adams, online store client

Don't let your boss fool you anymore! George Simon's book Who's in Sheep's Clothing? How to recognize a manipulator” is a godsend for anyone who has ever doubted their mental health in a relationship with those who like to control and manipulate.

Child of Eola, online store client

Dr. Simon uncovers the manipulators' favorite tactics and teaches you how to detect and repel their attacks, regaining control of the situation. This book helped me build a relationship with one person. I had to deal with him on a daily basis, but after each such “friendly” conversation, I invariably felt depressed and wounded, but I could not understand why it happened. Thanks to this book, I was able to understand what really happened. Dr. Simon's guidance helped me get the manipulator to clean water and deal with the problem. And since that comrade is now aware that he can no longer control me, we have developed normal relations - not the height of perfection, but definitely better than those that were.

Reader from Chicago

This book is like an amulet that allows you to disenchant all that verbal dope that manipulators love so much and reveal their true intentions. Do yourself a favor: buy it.

Christie, Missouri

This is one of best books ever read by me, and I am ready to recommend it to everyone. She helped me become a stronger person and judge others differently. I have always been quite naive and careless about people's ulterior motives, but reading this book has taught me a lot.

S. Bresenti, online store client

It is sad that there are people in the world who make life so difficult for others. Finding them in your life (personal and work) is a very important skill, which sometimes helps to a) not go crazy and b) take the right steps. Dr. Simon's book is remarkably clear. If you have only one book to read this year, read this one.

JA008, online store customer

Thanks to this book, you understand that it is our ignorance of the nature of evil that unties its hands. Simon shows what can really be behind those seemingly quite ordinary human actions which puzzle us so much. According to him, while we perceive a skilled manipulator as good man, as we would like to see him, he drinks all the juice out of us and leaves us in despondency and confusion. I would add on my own that such manipulators are evil incarnate, for evil involves lying, pressure and subjugation of others through deceit. Simon explains how to recognize this behavior and what to do about it. People should learn more about manipulators and learn how to protect themselves and society from them. This book is an excellent starting point.

Kai, New York State Reader

In a meaningful and humorous way, George Simon collects all the chatter and verbal serpentine that entangles us with power-hungry and slippery bosses, bad neighbors, obnoxious colleagues, and lays it out on the shelves to show those simple psychological strategies that help them take advantage of our goodwill, patience and even a wallet. I have recommended this book to all my friends and have bought several copies for my children in the future. Highly recommend!

K. McCallum, online store customer

I am deeply grateful to my wife Sherry Simon for her endless love, trust, understanding, patience and support. Sherry gave this book its name and provided invaluable assistance during the writing process, helping me to articulate my thoughts more clearly.

I want to thank Dr. Bruce Karruf for critical comments on the manuscript and suggestions that made the book easier to read.

I am indebted to Dr. Theodore Millon, whose meticulous approach to personality analysis not only influenced my way of thinking on the subject, but proved to be excellent when I tried to help other people work on themselves.

I really appreciate the continuous support of the participants of my seminars, who tested my ideas in practice and enriched me with new experience and knowledge. They helped me to separate the main from the secondary, to understand and clearly formulate one of the key tasks of my life.

Words cannot express my gratitude to the thousands of readers whose interest has kept this book on the supply lists of online stores and retail outlets for 15 years. The abundance of letters, emails, and blog posts my readers have written has helped me make the necessary changes and additions to this revised edition. I have expanded the discussion of key concepts and added important new data in an effort to respond quickly in the new edition to all the feedback I continue to receive.

Finally, I want to thank Roger Armbrust and Ted Packhurst of Parkhurst Brothers. Ted inspired me in the early stages of the book and was there when I needed it; Roger's company and kindness helped my work greatly and ultimately benefited the readers.

Foreword

Whether we are talking about a leader who verbally supports you, but in fact stops any attempt to move forward, about a colleague who secretly “digs” under you in order to earn the favor of his superiors, about the second half, which depicts love and care, and she herself to the smallest detail controls your life, or about a child who knows all your weaknesses and skillfully plays on them to get his own - all manipulators resemble the notorious wolf in sheep's clothing. Outwardly, they may look friendly and charming. But under this shell are ruthlessness and prudence. Insidiously and imperceptibly, such people seek out your vulnerabilities and, with the help of sophisticated tricks, take over you. Manipulators are the type of people who are willing to do whatever it takes to get things done, but go to great lengths to hide their aggressive intentions. That's why I call them covert-aggressive personalities.

As a practicing clinical psychologist, I became interested in covert aggression over 20 years ago. My interest was caused by the fact that the feelings of depression, anxiety and insecurity that led some of my patients to come to me for help turned out to be in one way or another connected with relationships in which the manipulative personality was present. I have counseled not only the victims of hidden aggression, but also the manipulators themselves, who are in distress because their usual ways to get their own way and control others have ceased to work. The work gave me an idea of how common manipulative behavior is and how powerful emotional stress it can bring to a relationship.

The scale of the problem of covert aggression is obvious. Most of us personally know at least one manipulator. Rarely does a day go by without the media telling us about someone who managed to deceive and take advantage of others before his true nature was revealed. The televangelist, who called for virtue, chastity and love, deceived his wife and did not hesitate to rob his flock; a politician sworn to "serve the public interest" was caught lining his own pockets; the spiritual "teacher", who managed to convince his followers that he was the incarnation of God on earth, seduced their children and intimidated those who dared to challenge him. It seems our world is full of manipulators.

Such outstanding wolves in sheep's clothing, making the front pages of newspapers, attract our attention and arouse curiosity, making us wonder what drives them. However, the behavior of most covertly aggressive people that we encounter in life is not so grotesque. Their deceit, treachery, duplicity and cunning are inconspicuous - these are the people with whom we work, cooperate and even live together. And they are quite capable of ruining our lives. We feel bitterness and annoyance because it is so difficult for us to understand them and even more difficult to deal with them.

When emotional suffering causes victims of covert aggression to seek help for the first time, they usually have little idea why they feel so bad: they just feel confused, anxious, or overwhelmed. However, gradually they come to understand that they are driven crazy by the presence in the life of a certain person. They do not trust this person, but they cannot explain why. They are angry with him, but for some reason they themselves feel guilty. They try to confront him over his behavior, but end up on the defensive themselves. People feel overwhelmed and desperate because they make concessions when they were going to insist on their own, and they say yes when they want to say no, and all attempts to change things are in vain. Contact with such a person always causes them a feeling of confusion, a feeling that they have been used. Exploring all these manifestations in the course of therapy, the victims sooner or later realize that their problems are the result of fruitless efforts to comprehend the actions of the manipulator, the need to deal with him and attempts to cope with his behavior.

Although many of my patients are smart and resourceful people well versed in conventional psychology, their efforts to understand and deal with manipulative behavior have mostly stymied them, and some of the steps seem to have made the problem worse. Moreover, none of the methods that I tried to apply at first gave real results. With a fairly versatile training, I have tried every conceivable kind of therapeutic interventions and strategies. All of them brought some relief to the victim, but none of them helped to really change the nature of the relationship with the manipulator. Even more confusing was the fact that none of my methods had any effect on the manipulators themselves. Having come to the conclusion that there was something fundamentally wrong with traditional approaches to interacting with manipulative people, I began to carefully study this problem in the hope of finding a practical and more effective approach.

In this book, I would like to introduce you to a new perspective on the nature of manipulation. I am convinced that, compared with many other approaches, it allows us to more accurately describe manipulators and systematize their behavior. I will explain what hidden aggression is and why I consider it the basis of interpersonal manipulation. I will draw your attention to some aspects of the personality, the description of which is often missing in traditional interpretations. The belief system I am developing challenges some of the common assumptions about why people act the way they do and explains why some commonly held beliefs about human nature can make us a target for manipulators.

In writing this book, I set myself three goals. First, I wanted to give you a comprehensive understanding of the nature of an unbalanced character, as well as the typical features of a covert-aggressive personality. We will consider the varieties of aggressive personality and its properties in general and discuss unique characteristics covert-aggressive type. I will bring to your attention a few sketches taken from life, so that you feel the "spirit" of this type of personality and understand the mechanisms of action of manipulative people. Learning to recognize wolves in sheep's clothing and understanding what to expect from these kinds of characters is the first step to avoid becoming a victim.

My second goal is to show how covertly aggressive people manage to mislead, manipulate, and control others. Aggressive and covert-aggressive people use a particular set of interpersonal skills and tactics to get the better of others. A closer acquaintance with these tactics will help to recognize manipulation at the very moment when it takes place, thereby avoiding victimization - becoming a victim. We will also discuss traits that many of us have that make us extremely vulnerable. Understanding which traits of your character the manipulator will target first is the next important step on the path away from the role of the victim.

Finally, my final goal is to talk about specific actions that make it possible for any person to interact more effectively with aggressive and covert-aggressive personalities. I will bring a few general principles, allowing you to reconsider the rules of behavior when dealing with people of this type, and I will offer specific tools that increase your influence on the situation and allow you to break the vicious circle of trying to cope with the manipulator leading to a feeling of depression. By using these tools, the former victim gets a chance to spend her energy on something that can really make her stronger - changing her own behavior. In order to become less vulnerable to the tricks of the manipulator and gain control over your own life, it is extremely important to know how to behave in situations fraught with manipulation.

I tried to keep a serious manner of presenting the material and to speak to the point, but at the same time express my thoughts clearly and frankly. In writing this book, I have addressed both the general public and mental health professionals; I hope both of these categories of readers will find it useful. Therapists are held captive by a range of traditional assumptions, patterns, and intervention strategies, thus sometimes reinventing themselves in the same misconceptions about the nature and behavior of manipulators, unintentionally passing them on to their patients, which only exacerbates the victimization of the latter. I propose to take a fresh look at this topic in the hope that it will help both specialists and ordinary people to effectively deal with manipulative behavior.

Part I

What is a manipulative personality

Introduction

Hidden aggression as the basis of manipulation

Typical problem

You may find the scenarios described below familiar.

Here is a woman trying to unwind the ball of her feelings. She is angry with her husband for demanding that their daughter be a straight A student. At the same time, she has doubts about whether she has the right to be angry about this. When she, based on her ideas about the abilities of her daughter, noticed that his requirements were unreasonably high, he replied: “Any good parent wants his child to succeed and succeed in life, don’t they?” – making her feel callous and soulless. In fact, every run-in with him made her feel like a disgusting person.

George Simon

Who is in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

Project Manager O. Ravdanis

Corrector E. Chudinova

Computer layout A. Abramov

Cover design M. Borisov

Art Director S. Timonov

The cover design used images from the stock photo bank shutterstock.com

* * *

This book will help:

Understand which of those around you are manipulating;

Develop the right line of conduct with manipulators of all stripes;

Learn not to give in to those who want to use you for their own purposes.

E. Adams, online store client

Child of Eola, online store client

Reader from Chicago

This book is like an amulet that allows you to disenchant all that verbal dope that manipulators love so much and reveal their true intentions. Do yourself a favor: buy it.

Christie, Missouri

This is one of the best books I have ever read and I would recommend it to everyone. She helped me become a stronger person and judge others differently. I have always been quite naive and careless about people's ulterior motives, but reading this book has taught me a lot.

S. Bresenti, online store client

JA008, online store customer

Thanks to this book, you understand that it is our ignorance of the nature of evil that unties its hands. Simon shows that he can actually be behind those seemingly quite ordinary human actions that so puzzle us. According to him, while we perceive a skilled manipulator as a good person, as we would like to see him, he drinks all the juice out of us and leaves us in despondency and confusion. I would add on my own that such manipulators are evil incarnate, for evil involves lying, pressure and subjugation of others through deceit. Simon explains how to recognize this behavior and what to do about it. People should learn more about manipulators and learn how to protect themselves and society from them. This book is an excellent starting point.

Kai, New York State Reader

K. McCallum, online store customer

I want to thank Dr. Bruce Karruf for critical comments on the manuscript and suggestions that made the book easier to read.

Foreword

Who is in sheep's clothing? [How to recognize a manipulator] Simon George

Study yourself

If the manipulator understands the nature of his victim well enough to predict his reaction to his maneuvers, then he gains a remarkable advantage. He knows that the victim will be inclined to justify him, accept excuses at face value, hesitate to see malicious intent in his actions, etc. If the person being affected is conscientious, then shame and guilt are suitable levers to force retreat him. Manipulators, as a rule, carefully assess the character traits and weaknesses of their victim.

Since the manipulator benefits from his knowledge of your nature, the better you yourself know your weaknesses and the more you work to overcome them, the greater your advantage in confronting him. Here are the traits that are important to pay attention to when studying your own character:

1. Naivete. Perhaps you are one of those who find it hard to believe that people can really be as dishonest, conniving and merciless as intuition suggests. It may even take the form of "neurotic" denial. If this trait is inherent in you, you can ignore even the blatant evidence that you have a ruthless cunning person in front of you, and only after frequent and repeated victimization will you gruntly accept reality.

2. Excessive Conscientiousness. Are you one of those people who are much more demanding of themselves than others? If this is the case, then you may have a high willingness to justify the actions of the alleged manipulator. If he caused you trouble, you will willingly take his point of view, and when he goes on the attack and forces you on the defensive, you will begin to blame yourself for everything.

3. Lack of self-confidence. Perhaps you are one of those who doubt themselves too much and do not recognize the right to completely legitimate desires and needs. You may not be confident in your ability to enter into a direct conflict and successfully resolve it. In this case, confronting an aggressive personality will make you give up too easily, stop defending your interests and go on the defensive.

4. Over-intellectualization. Are you putting too much effort into understanding others? You may be inclined to believe that people create difficulties for others only for reasonable and weighty reasons. Then you can be deceitfully convinced that you just need to understand the reasons for the actions of the manipulator in order to change the situation. Sometimes this excessive focus on the possible causes of behavior will force you to unwittingly justify the offender. Other times, you may get so caught up in trying to understand the manipulator that you lose sight of the obvious: you are being fought to gain an advantage over you, and you'd better spend your time and energy arming yourself and protecting yourself. Over-intellectualization leads to the fact that it becomes difficult for you to accept a simple fact: there are people in the world who fight on purpose, and they do it insidiously, secretly and solely in order to get what they need.

5. Emotional dependency. You may have character traits of a submissive personality that are based on a fear of independence and autonomy. In this case, you may initially be attracted to self-confident, independent, aggressive personalities. If you have entered into a relationship with such a person, your fear of being "rejected" when confronted may lead you to let him take you under him. The stronger your emotional dependence from anyone, the greater your vulnerability and risk of being manipulated.

Recognizing the flaws in yourself described above and overcoming them is a worthy task, even if you are not embroiled in a relationship with a manipulator. And if you manage to enter into such a relationship, neglecting this task seriously increases your risk of becoming a victim.

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In words, your manager is for you, but in reality, salary and promotion are bogged down in a swamp, when talking with this colleague, you get the feeling that your wallet is now gone, and your beloved child is extorting another toy from you with whining and flattery - all these people are active, charming and very resourceful.

They find your vulnerabilities and cleverly use it to get the better of you. Their treachery, duplicity and cunning are not easy to notice, and yet you work with them, communicate and even live together, all these people are manipulators - wolves in sheep's clothing.

Book " Who is in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator”, which was kindly provided to us by the Alpina Publisher Publishing House, written famous writer, teacher and authoritative psychologist George Simon.

On the pages of this book, the author shows the typical character traits of manipulators. He reveals to us the techniques by which manipulators manage to lead others by the nose, manipulate and control them. And he gives us detailed instructions on how to effectively resist these manipulations and defend our position and interests in the fight against the manipulator.

George Simon emphasizes what we were all taught in childhood: "a person should repent for his bad deeds", and that "people behave aggressively only in response to an attack", we believe in this, but in fact in vain.

The wolf has no doubt that the sheep exists only to satisfy his hunger. The predator is calm and collected, he sneaks up on his prey and rushes at her.

The fury of a wolf that tears a poor sheep apart is the fury of a predator, he does not hate the sheep, and is not at all offended by her, this is the cold fury of a predator who intends to get his prey by right of a predator.

The wolf has no feelings of guilt or repentance in front of the sheep after dinner, there is only a pleasant feeling of satiety and a feeling of victory. The wolf attacked the sheep not because she showed some kind of aggression towards him or somehow offended him. No, he just wanted to eat.

Manipulator in action similarly, it does not occur to us that an attack on us during interpersonal relationships it is simply the desire of a person to take away what he needs, to insist on his own or become the master of the situation. The manipulator is a real predator and his aggression is a planned and deliberate action to get what he wants, he is not tormented by conscience, there is no remorse for bad deeds, only a pleasant feeling of victory.

He will ruthlessly, decisively and deftly use his rich arsenal of tricks and tricks in order not only to achieve what he wants, but also to hide his true essence from those around him with a good impression, packing his greedy act into a beautiful candy wrapper approved by society.

Take it for granted, George Simon advises us, that some people are merciless, ruthless and treacherous by nature and they don't need a reason to go and attack you.

How to recognize a manipulator?

How to recognize a manipulator? The answer to this question is needed like air, because the inability to discern aggression in the tactics of another person is a direct path to becoming a victim.

Virtually all manipulators, says George Simon, have the following signs:
A person constantly strives to insist on his own, he always strives to win, in any situation he wants to dictate his conditions, does not consider refusal an answer, he answers a direct question with excuses and tries to evade, tries to make you feel guilty, and the like.

"Dirty Fight" (Divide and Conquer) - one of the tricks of the manipulator

Divide and conquer (in the book - a dirty fight) is one of the manipulator's tricks, in which the manipulator sets others against each other, they stop communicating with each other, and the manipulator, communicating with everyone, gains power over them. An instructive story about Jack, Betty, their boss, in which Betty's dirty tricks ended up costing Jack his career.

In the book you will find about twenty more of the manipulator's favorite tricks that he applies to colleagues at work and to his second half at home, knowing these tricks you can now determine that you have a manipulator in front of you and take countermeasures.

I liked the book, there are new ideas for me, it was interesting for me to learn about different types of aggressive personalities and that manipulators are from the same clip. Thanks to the author for useful practical techniques on how to recognize and effectively resist manipulators in interpersonal relationships, the most interesting ones seemed to me: “reasonable agreements”, “prepare for revenge”, and “set a behavioral framework”.

WHO THIS BOOK IS FOR: Book "Who's in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator will be useful to businessmen, office workers, husbands and wives, as well as their children, that is, all those who, at work or in personal relationships, encounter charming and ruthless wolves in sheep's clothing and wants to learn how to how to deal with a manipulator, you can buy a book in a bookstore in your city or on the website of the online store (www.alpinabook.ru) of the publishing house Alpina Publisher.