How to learn to accept the situation as it is? What to do if you no longer have the strength to deal with life circumstances Can a person deal with circumstances.
Surely in your life there were men with a strong will.
That's just such a man once came to me at the reception.
Tall, well-dressed, confident, but behind his beautiful features one can feel great fatigue.
We met, he talked about himself, about his family, about business, everything is fine ... and then he paused and admitted: "I'm tired of fighting! Help! My strength is gone!"
What was he fighting?
Robert, as he introduced himself, continued: “My dad taught me from early childhood that in life you just won’t get anything. Everything must be fought for. And I recently realized that I have been fighting all my life! After all, it’s not the nineties and it’s not a crisis, but I can’t stop myself even when I see that everyone has already agreed with me.
It is important for me that I am right! Nothing else is possible for me! And so everywhere: at home, at work. I can not relax. I am always in tension, always in some kind of internal resistance. Even when I want to agree, the word itself escapes from me - NO!
And I start thinking about why I disagree. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I'm doing all this in vain. The offer can be easily accepted, but no, for me the very goal is to resist, to be in opposition. This opposition inside me seems to control me..
It was evident that Robert had been analyzing his condition for a long time, he expressed his thoughts clearly and precisely, like a report at a planning meeting. Then he looked at me, waiting for a comment, and said:
“I heard a lot about you, Larisa Vasilievna, I collected reviews, I trust you, your expertise, and I want you to show me other solutions to my life situations. Just like now, I don’t have the strength anymore, I see that I’m making a system mistake somewhere, but I can’t figure it out myself, although I read and watch programs and webinars a lot. And I, as a leader, am used to understanding everything, understanding what is happening, and controlling it.”
All resistance begins with the fear that a person will now be judged, and then he takes a position of opposition. The surrounding people seem to be in the status of enemies, and Robert wants to hold his position against everyone. Consciously, of course, he thinks sensibly - but at the subconscious level, somewhere deep there, he feels that the whole world is attacking him. It's not even a thought, it's such a state.
It is difficult for him to find a positive option in any situation. And the internal struggle forces Robert to act against everyone, to resist where the obstacle can simply be bypassed or does not exist at all, and it is created artificially to overcome. It seems that only in such a movement you can get something, there is no trust in life, there is no readiness to trust the natural development of the situation, as if to be in the flow.
As described by M. Csikszentmihalyi,
flow - a state of optimal human experience, complete merging with one's work, it brings a feeling of inspiration and special joy.
I think that you either borrowed this scenario from your parents, or developed it during a difficult period of your life, when there was no other way to survive and not get what you now have. But our life scenarios are subject to us if we are no longer children, but mature people.
“What exactly brought you to me, and what changes do you want?” I asked Robert.
After my words, Robert continued: “Despite the fact that at my age I have achieved a lot, I am still dissatisfied with myself. I feel my muscles tense. I am ready to attack and respond at any moment. Recently signed up for a massage and felt the tension in my body. I didn't realize it before.
My wife says I grind my teeth at night. Before, I didn’t pay attention to my body at all. I have always kept myself in shape. I want to pay attention to "HOLD". It's always been hard for me to relax.
And now I began to listen, and I feel how constantly there is tension in my body. Cheek pain in the morning. And I can't deal with this tension on my own.
Alcohol helped, I said, reassuring myself - a little drink to relax. Today I understand that this can take me very far. And I have a business, and there are big goals for growth and development!
The business is at a standstill at the moment. I do everything, but there is no movement, as if everything is frozen in one pore and does not move. This stagnation scares me, because it will inevitably be followed by a recession. I tried many different options in advertising, changed employees, applied other approaches, but the “splinter” was something else. And I need help in the complex.
Dissatisfaction with oneself arises in people who doubt themselves and their actions. In fact, the problem is in the internal sensations in relation to oneself.
A doubting person has an internal attack in the form of a dialogue that is directed against himself. Where a person himself doubts his capacity, doubts that he is right, that he is informed. And it really creates inner anxiety.
Moreover, the internal dialogue causes tremendous tension in all the muscles of the body, especially in the neck and back, sometimes the knees suffer, sometimes it squeezes the head like a hoop of pain, even the intervertebral discs are erased from such tension. A so-called protective "shell" is created in the body.
It seems that you can relax through drinking alcohol, but this is just an illusion that can lead to a dangerous addiction. And the fact that Robert began to track his tension, listen to the care of his wife, signed up for a massage and wants to get rid of his internal tension - all this indicates a readiness to resolve an internal conflict.
A person takes a step towards himself through attention to the symptoms of the body. Which in turn can protect against the occurrence of psychosomatic diseases in the future.
Of course, we must also remember that a stereotype is maintained in society - a man must be strong and never show his weakness.
Some men can not really relax either at work or at home. The fear of not being accepted and misunderstood increases the internal conflict and increases the tension in the body.
Sometimes a house, a family is a “safe haven” for a man, where he relaxes and recuperates, but this is not the case for everyone. Much depends on the level of trust that exists between husband and wife. Often, having played "everyday life", people forget about feelings, that in the evening you can discuss not only the purchase of a new car or the progress of children, but also talk about what your soulmate feels, what you feel. Talk heart to heart.
For this A wise woman should be able to accept the weakness of her husband, and this, I’ll tell you, is a huge value, which in our time can be found extremely rarely.
Therefore, when one of the spouses turns to me for help, I always recommend coming to consultations in pairs. Many processes in the family are calmer, clearer.
Returning to Robert's request.
How to get what you want in business development?
He said that, as a self-respecting man, he wants to achieve a lot for himself and his family. So that the family has a certain high material level. Children could get a good education in Moscow or abroad. But he was tired of living in the struggle. Robert does not understand what it is - the state of life in the flow, when life's blessings do not need to be torn and scratched out, you just do what you love, and they come by themselves.
Does it really happen?
Historically, it so happened that a status man fought all the time, conquered lands, states. AND this stereotype remained in the psychological matrix of a man. But in today's time, such a stereotype is not very effective.
This approach increases resistance, competition and constant struggle, and with age a person simply breaks down, especially after forty, a huge amount of stress accumulates in the body, health problems appear. You can often hear from the relatives of such a person: “I was healthy all my life, I earned money all my life, helped everyone, and then suddenly I fell ill (or even worse) ...”.
At the same time, although this is not an obvious connection at first glance, if the scenario of interaction with oneself and others does not change, a person does not look for ways to develop, then stop in business, social and political career he is inevitable.
It is important to learn how to build successful relationships. In Russia, this is not yet very common, but in the West, many politicians and entrepreneurs constantly work with a personal coach. Education in the field of business is useful, of course, but, in addition to the level of the mind, there is also the level of states. You can work with him only with the help of a mentor, coach, psychotherapist.
And that's what I'm talking about!
When you have a business
you need constructive and conflict-free interaction with partners, suppliers, investors. So that this whole structure works smoothly and without failures, so that there is no feeling that everything seems to be fine today, but as if there is a bomb with a detonator in the basement, and you don’t know at what moment it will explode. And half of your efforts are spent not on developing the future, but on thinking about how and what to do if it explodes.
The same is true in your family.
There are children, parents, spouse, relatives. And here, too, you need successful relationships that are based on intimacy and trust. You are there, at home surrounded by your closest ones, you should feel relaxed, open, that you are accepted and you also accept them with love. Without requirements, without assessments, without readiness, if anything, to break, "like Tuzik a heating pad."
I work a lot with relationships in my psychotherapy practice. For more than 10 years I have been studying various techniques: NLP, Jungian psychoanalysis, trauma therapy, the Murray method, working with states, transformational practices ...
All in order to first understand deeply, develop your own approach, and then help your clients form the most harmonious family relationships that suit their family system. And, as experience shows, when a man or woman is accepted in the family, they have settled deep conflicts with mom, dad, with their soulmate, then they have success in the professional sphere, and in money, in business.
I like the idea that business is not only about money. Material reward is rather a reflection of the inner value and condition of a person. A successful business is not to overwhelm competitors and occupy the market, keeping the palm in a pre-stroke state. Imagine that you can experience joy from seeing the result of your creativity, a feeling of unity with those who share your ideas and strengthen you in the thought that what you do is needed by the world!
To be in this complex state is that understanding - to be in a creative flow. And so get a huge profit.
After these words, Robert looked at me very strangely and got up from his chair, as if he was about to leave, but he grimaced from the pain in his back and remained. He does not understand yet, but he trusts and is ready to look for a solution together with me, which he himself did not find. Working with him further, I was surprised how much he accumulated destructive installations, usually such people do not achieve great financial well-being.
Great willpower. And the ability to delegate correctly. Yes, in big business you can’t do without it, but here, in my therapy, Robert agreed to delegate to me the development of his new life scenarios, agreed to give up the struggle that exhausts him, from total self-control and perfectionism and try new approaches. I believe he will succeed.
In my work, I create spaces and opportunities for development, transformation and healing, thereby helping people to acquire their integrity and value, and from this the state of inner strength creativity and action. When a person who is open to interaction, capable of communication and meeting halfway, is on the way to achieving his goals.
Thank you for reading my article to the end and I will be grateful if you share in a comment or in a personal message what resonated with you in this story, what “hooked” you. I will gladly answer questions.
THERE ARE MOMENTS….
When you just need to stop.
Stop to look around and determine where the chosen map of life has led us. Stop for a breath of fresh air and decide whether to continue on the old path or take a different route.
Have you ever heard the phrase: “Plans are written in sand, not carved in stone?”.
I first heard it in 2013 at one of the motivational trainings. I practically didn’t take anything from him into my life: external motivation in the style of “get it together, dude, you can do anything” was enough for a couple of months, and I returned to my usual way of life again.
But that phrase I remembered for a long time.
Probably, in order to remember it now, when I write this article. Or in order to make a paradoxical discovery three years later - the biggest changes happen when we agree with our powerlessness to change something.
Many believe that iron will and discipline are needed to achieve the intended goals.
Tell me honestly, how many of your goals died before they were born?
How many task lists are left without a “done” checkmark?
How many wishes have you given up because you convinced yourself that they were not important or not timely?
I personally have about a dozen, and I generally keep silent about the lists of outstanding tasks.
It's not about will power or lack of motivation.
We begin to do something either because of strong excitement (desire) or because of strong frustration. More often, precisely because of frustration, when there is no longer a single opportunity to postpone the decision. When, like a blind kitten, we poke our faces into the void and expect favors from the world. We beg, cry, call for help, make vows to be obedient and remember all the missed opportunities. We are ready to do at least something, just not to stay where we are now, ready to grab any help, like a straw for a drowning man ... but it once again breaks off from our bulldog grip.
At such moments, it seems to us that we can’t ask ourselves, we need to try our best and do what we have to do: swim against the current, prove to everyone that we are stronger than circumstances, that we are ready to take a hit. We tell ourselves that we need to go, but even on small step there is no longer any strength or desire.
There are moments...
We seem to be stuck in two dimensions: we can no longer do it in the old way, but we don’t know how to do it in the new way.
Dead end. Stop.
Those of us who are accustomed to hiding behind the illusion of stability, scolding ourselves for inaction, begin to fussily look for a way out of the impasse. They launch an endless stream of self-accusations, excuses and continue to beat their foreheads against a concrete wall. Mobilizes the remnants of strength, climb out of their skin, make new attempts with old meanings and come to a natural result - another dead end.
Poor forehead. How many concrete walls do you need to understand that it is stronger?
Sometimes our strength lies in the ability to refuse in time to do what does not work, to admit our powerlessness and keep our forehead intact. Throw a white flag in the face of life and agree with the obvious: we are people, not gods.
We are wrong.
Not because they're stupid and funny, but because it's okay to make mistakes. It is not normal to turn a blind eye to your mistakes, continuing to do what inevitably brings you closer to the abyss. It is not normal to continue doing the old, expecting new results. And it’s completely abnormal to build an iron man out of yourself, wasting the remnants of vitality.
Perhaps we swam not in our own waters, persistently you continue to row further from your native shores.
It happens…
Allow yourself to be powerless. Give yourself permission to stop. Look around, feel the flow of life, feel the direction of the wind. This is possible only from a state of rest, when neither thoughts, nor emotions, nor, moreover, actions distract you from the “here and now” point.
Stop to take in the experience, listen to the promptings of the soul, consider a new area, do not push yourself.
Stop at a red light, don't risk it. Behind the red signal, yellow and green always light up. It is only important to wait for them, and until then, allow yourself to stop.
Perhaps it is this pause that is needed in order to gain strength and start doing what is truly dear and important to your heart.
It happens…
The most pivotal events in my life and career happened when I accepted my powerlessness and paused. No plans, no work, no decisions.
From a point of rest, I returned to psychological practice.
From a point of rest, I decided to study systemic family therapy
From the point of rest came the long-awaited pregnancy and easy childbirth.
From a point of rest, she changed the vector of business and created the Anti-goodness community.
Money came from a resting point.
I often see people being scared of stops. How they scold themselves for periods of inactivity and lack of desire to do what is needed.
Prohibitions on pauses and stops with their roots take us back to childhood. You can probably classify yourself as one of those children whose parents tried to take every free minute of your life with “useful activities”.
I myself am one of those children.
As a child, I really loved to lie on the bed with my legs up on the wall and dream about how I perform on stage in front of the audience. I imagined myself as a singer, sang songs and rearranged my legs along the wall, which created noise in the next parent's room. Not strong, but still. Immediately, my father came into the room and told me to do “something useful”. What exactly he did not specify, but some socially useful activity, for example, cleaning, was implied.
And although in my time there were not yet such a large number of developing centers, sections and fashion for tutors, even this mitigating fact did not prevent the conviction from settling - “you must always be busy with something”.
Now I'm not afraid to stop. On the contrary, I watch myself at the point of rest with interest, because I know that in the end something very unusual will be born. Not a new version old, but a radically different solution.
Does it guarantee me results?
There will be a way, there will be travelers, passes and lodging for the night. Uphill and downhill. Perhaps, going down to the next plateau in life, I will see that I was going the wrong way. Of course, I will be upset, they will experience impotence, I will regret the lost time. It is natural. It's not natural to keep going down a dead end route just to avoid having to deal with your heavy feelings. I'd rather face them now than later, when the only motivation left is deep frustration. It is better to stop now than to wander senselessly into the wilds of misunderstanding and lack of sense of what and why I am doing.
Friends, don't be afraid to stop. Do not be afraid of doing nothing and pauses.
Nature itself shows us this natural cycle: life - peace - life. To have a healthy baby, you need to wait 9 months. If you force things, then life will not happen. For spring to come, you need to experience winter peace. To meet the dawn, you need to be able to wait out the darkest time of the day.
The fact that we change the vector of movement does not at all mean that we are not goal-oriented, weak or undisciplined. This suggests that life is not a frozen structure. It changes, we change with it. Each new life turn changes our horizons, opens up new horizons. We learn to notice new routes, we are fascinated by other goals. This is fine. Each new period of life sets before us new tasks of development, new spiritual goals and opportunities that we constantly reveal in ourselves.
Friends, pause, listen to yourself. Your plans are not carved in stone - write them in the sand in order to hear the wind of change in time, which always strives to break into the life of a truly enthusiastic person. Perhaps it will turn out to be passing and lead you to your goals on an easier road.
We all want to manifest our strongest unconscious and conscious desires in the outside world.
But few people care about how expedient and consistent with the outside world these desires are. How do they upset other people's balance? How do they relate to your personal evolution?
How are the events of our lives? How are they related to our inner world? Why does personal will conflict with fate?
The answers to these questions are the basis and the key to understanding the most important laws by which we live.
We will draw an analogy related to the structure of our nervous system.
You may know that in our nervous system only two fundamental processes continuously interact: excitation and inhibition. These processes are initiated by the external or internal environment that causes irritation.
This analogy perfectly shows the interaction of unconscious and conscious inner desires and the reaction of the external world and circumstances to them.
The external world, circumstances and fate act as regulators, inhibiting too strong unconscious and conscious aspirations, and arousing weak, denied and repressed desires.
Let's take a few examples for a better understanding.
A person unconsciously and partially consciously strives for physical comfort and pleasure. Before this desire was predominantly unconscious (unconscious), the outside world constantly inhibited this excessive desire. Everything that he associates with comfort was constantly subject to some kind of influence. Escalators stopped, buses broke down, this desire was constantly infringed.
Second example. A person is unconsciously strongly attached to money and, accordingly, internally dependent on it. This unconscious desire is partially compensated by conscious attitudes. But this does not work well, because in order for the conscious striving to go deep, a large amount of time is needed. Accordingly, the more this person begins to consciously look for some ways to fulfill this unconscious desire, the more this desire is blocked by external circumstances.
Third example. A person unconsciously strives for love and relationships and is also strongly dependent on this. Circumstances in every possible way protect this person from any relationship and conscious aspirations for them. Blocking is the tougher, the stronger the unconscious desire and dependence. With a softer blocking, this can manifest itself as some kind of "teasing" events, when the desire seems to constantly elude the person, despite the fact that there are all signs of its imminent implementation. It's an interesting feeling
How to manage events in these three examples? How to fix these situations?
In each of these cases, it is necessary to help fate and circumstances as much as possible to normalize and equalize the strength of these desires.
In the first case, you need to consciously change your lifestyle - move more, exercise, take a contrast shower (infringement on the comfort of the physical body), remove tasty and sweet food from the diet. Radically? But in this case, waiting for it to happen on its own is too long 😉
In the second example, oddly enough, you need to devote less time to work and earning money and switch to some hobby or passion. Here, work is underway at the level of consciousness, and for rapid changes, it is necessary to connect other resources here. Here the work is much more subtle and involves continuous work with the unconscious.
In the third example, it is also necessary to stop fighting with circumstances and direct all free energy into a channel free from relationships and love experiences. And also continuously be aware of the unconscious desire and reduce its strength.
You may have noticed that the desires in these examples are somewhat different from each other.
This is done specifically for a better understanding of the structure of the interaction of various unconscious and conscious desires with each other.
In the first example, desires are connected with the needs of the physical body, the animal nature of a person, which begins to get out of the control of consciousness.
In the second example, desire is associated with the needs of consciousness for protection and security, which also got out of control more high structure- human soul.
In the third example, the desire is related to the soul's need for love and relationships, also too strong, which is regulated by an even higher structure. (?)
In principle, everything comes down to the normal structure of the relationship between the desires of the body, consciousness, soul and a higher structure above it.
The desires of the body must serve the higher goals and objectives of all higher structures. This means that if the body wants to sleep, but for the consciousness you need to go to work, you definitely shouldn’t indulge the body.
The desires of consciousness must serve the purposes and tasks of the soul. This means that if the mind wants security and wealth, and the soul wants adventure and love, it is definitely necessary to make a choice in favor of the soul.
However, if the soul becomes too dependent on other people, relationships, or any experience, and this experience begins to collapse - you need to go through this.
Can a monk and nun be godparents to a child? How to behave like a Christian with household staff? Is confession required before communion? How to overcome the resistance of people working in the temple, and priests in relation to social work? How not to lose heart and not despair of poverty? Can I take medication for angry outbursts? If a person complains all the time that everyone offends him, should he be listened to or not? Is it possible to receive communion at every liturgy? - Bishop Panteleimon of Smolensk and Vyazemsky answered these and other questions about the spiritual foundations of mercy and church life.
Vladyka, is it necessary to take a blessing to go to prison with a prisoner?
Of course, before going to prison for the first time to a prisoner, you need to take a blessing from the priest. Prison is a special world, if a person sits there for a long time, he acquires some properties that you need to know about in advance. If you start working with prisoners, for this you need to consult with some experienced priest who is already at least a little familiar with this completely different world.
How to help the needy, but avoid dependency?
Yes, Anechka, of course, it is sad when people cheat. And, of course, it happens that nevertheless, you still feel sorry for them. They deceive very often not from a good life, but because they are in a hopeless situation. They deceive because they are used to lying and do not know how to tell the truth. And, of course, even a notorious deceiver cannot be offended, one cannot be rude to him. We must try to love every person who comes and try to help everyone according to our strength. If a person asks for money for something bad, you need to try to help him, not giving money for bad things, but help him buy food, clothes, I already talked about this once. If a person is deceiving, you can make him understand that it is not good to deceive and ask what he needs after all. In short, you need not to offend, of course, people, but try to love them and understand how you can help get out of the situation in which a person finds himself. In order not to make mistakes in such cases, experience is needed, which comes with time.
After baptizing the refuseniks in the hospital, we attached their crosses to the baptism certificates. It is right?
I think that, of course, in a hospital, crosses can be attached to the walls of the crib, you can hang them next to the baby if he is in intensive care. But it is very important, Katyusha, to trace the fate of these children afterwards. It is very important that the little ones in the home where they are later sent know that they have been baptized. It would be very good for volunteers to visit them in the baby house and for the priest to come to them and give them communion. So that when they grow up, there will be someone to tell them at least a little about faith, at least a little to introduce them to church life.
How to pray to a bedridden disabled person if relatives watch TV in his room?
Once, in our hospital 1st Gradskaya, Ol, one priest got into a regular ward for 6 people. And he lay there for a long time. It was an ordinary men's ward where patients smoked and watched TV. And he said that at first it was very difficult. But the following reasoning helped him. He thought that these people could not behave differently. They can't help but watch TV, listen to loud music, they can't help but smoke in the ward. And he, as a Christian, as a priest, can and must endure the infirmities of others. And then he calmed down. And I must say that he spent a long time in the hospital, then, however, he was transferred to a separate ward, but for some time he was with these people. And this understanding that he must learn to endure the infirmities of his neighbors helped him to endure this situation. I think that the same can be advised to do this man, whose television rumbles next to him. Although I understand that it is very difficult. I myself can hardly stand loud music and I give this advice from someone else's experience, not from my own.
Is it always possible to take communion after confession?
I think, Natasha, that it is not always possible to take communion after confession. I had such a case. One patient said that he believed in Christ, but when we began to talk in more detail, it turned out that he did not believe in the resurrection of Christ from the dead. He knew that there was such a Person, historical, that Christ was crucified on the cross, but he could not believe that He had risen from the dead. I couldn't confess it, I couldn't take communion. If a person is not going to give up his sins, if he does not want to fight the sin of drunkenness, if he is not going to stop using drugs, if he cannot stop living in fornication, of course, such a person cannot be given communion. And, probably, one cannot even read the prayer that would resolve him from these sins. If there is no repentance, what can be done? You can talk to him, you can try to convince him, you can try to incline his heart to renounce sin. But, of course, we can't force it. And in this case, of course, it is impossible to take communion.
How to overcome the resistance of people working in the temple, and priests in relation to social work?
I sometimes, Marin, think that, probably, the nurses in the hospital would have liked it more if there were no patients at all in the department. No one would require care, no one would have to give injections and perform other procedures. You could sit quietly in your place, fill out medical records, drink tea, talk on the phone. The hospital would be perfectly clean, there would be no need to wash the floor frequently, there would be no need to change the linen: take the dirty to the laundry, get a new one. It would be much easier to work if there were no patients. Probably the same in church. Of course, it's good when there are few people. I myself like to pray in the temple when there are fewer people there. But if a person wants such a life, he probably shouldn't be a priest. He probably needs to go into the desert, go to a monastery, shut himself up in a cave where no one will disturb him. Of course, people who come to the temple, especially if there are many of them, they create confusion, noise. They talk, especially if they are not church people. We now have one percent going to church on Sundays, even less than one percent of the population of our country. And the task of the Church is to attract other people to faith. Tell them about Christ, help them learn about God. If this task is not fulfilled, then, of course, we will remain in the minority, the Church will die out. We will go to the ghetto, we will go into some kind of self-isolation. Perhaps it will be so in the end times, but perhaps they have not yet come. And our task is to accept with love everyone who comes, no matter what these people are, no matter how they are dressed, no matter how they behave at first in the church. Our task is to help them, teach them, explain how to behave, help them learn about God, learn about Christ. We need to ask these people to observe order, outward piety. But you also need to understand that this can not be taught right away. How to treat those people who cannot bear it? I think it's the same with this petitioner, just as with the homeless. Well, what if the father does not understand this? We must feel sorry for this father, pray for him, probably. I think that over time, maybe he will understand this if you tell him about the needs of these people, if you help him understand what a difficult state their souls are in. I think that if you do this, then, in the end, even a priest who loves absolute order will still wake up pity in his heart, pity will wake up in him and love in his heart.
My husband works as an exercise therapy instructor in a hospital. The authorities demand quantity at the expense of quality. The husband is discouraged and grumbles about the depravity of modern medicine.
It's a pity, Nastenka, that your husband, being a real, probably a doctor, is in such a difficult situation. But you know, there are many doctors, but there are not so many saints without silver, those doctors who did not think about money. You write that the terrible facts of corruption, the rottenness of modern medicine plunge into despondency. Nastenka, the world we live in is rotting. Not only medicine is rotting, art is rotting, bureaucracy is rotting. Forgive me, but there is this rottenness in the church too, unfortunately. All these phenomena exist in the church, and even in monasteries. And you know, when the Lord came to earth, those people who should have accepted Him, those people who taught the Law that He gave them, those people who thought they were serving God, crucified him. Where is next? You will say, "That was when people did not know the new commandments, did not know the new life in Christ." But there were periods when bishops persecuted their brethren. The most ardent opponents of St. John Chrysostom were the bishops, the Orthodox queen and Orthodox king. Now they are talking about how good it would be if we had Orthodox rulers. These Orthodox rulers were the persecutors of the great saint. Where is next? Here is corruption, here is rot. Take Russian history. Mad Tsar Ivan the Terrible, whom some now want to canonize. He broke into monasteries, killed ascetics, shed blood. It is known how in royal families For some, debauchery flourished, adultery flourished. The world is sick with sin. But we must live in this world, we must live with God, we must do good. We must not be afraid of this rottenness, this corruption, we must resist it. And it's great that your husband behaves like this. Don't despair, God is with us. And, of course, God is stronger than all this rottenness. And, of course, God is stronger than all this corruption. “All the evil of this world,” said St. John Chrysostom, “before the goodness of God is like a drop before the ocean, and even less than a drop. Because the ocean has shores, but the goodness of God knows no boundaries.” If you live in this sea of God's goodness, if you are attached to this sea. If this sea is reflected in the heart of your husband, then he will not be afraid of anything.
What charitable organizations that help the elderly would you recommend cooperating with in the Central Black Earth District?
There is a question here about how to find foundations and charitable organizations that are engaged in the patronage of elderly people with disabilities in the central region? I think, Galya, we need to get in touch with the Association of Sisterhoods, which has been created here in Moscow, in the Marfo-Mariinsky Convent. Maybe with Olga Yuryevna Egorova, who deals with issues of patronage in St. Demetrius Sisterhood. Their coordinates can be found, I think, on the website miloserdie.ru
How to help a friend if she begins to be tempted against her confessor?
Unfortunately, Svetochka, such temptations against a confessor are quite common. It is very important for the devil to separate a person and his confessor, because without a confessor, without spiritual guidance, a person often turns out to be a helpless, unreasonable baby in the face of the evil that he encounters in life. And therefore, sooner or later, such temptations visit, perhaps, all people who strive for spiritual guidance. How to help here? Help, of course, can be prayer. Help, of course, can be explained by the fact that she misunderstands the actions of the confessor, behind which lies love. And not always the confessor can stroke the head, say affectionate words. Father Pavel Troitsky, a wonderful old man, ascetic, confessor, wonderful saint of the twentieth century, said that a confessor should be strict. And if he is strict, you need to thank God for this. Because without this severity, we, weak and sinful, very often, unfortunately, begin to unravel, relax and cannot correct ourselves.
In the announcement about the beginning of social work at the arrival, the priest indicated only his phone number and did not indicate mine (social worker). Why did he do that?
I think, Zinochka, probably, the priest wants to start organizing a volunteer service, he wants to start organizing all the works of mercy in the parish. And so he gave me his phone number. I think he wants to start it, organize it. And you need to go up to him and ask if he needs your help? I think that over time he himself will understand that he cannot cope alone, and maybe he plans so in order to involve you later in this matter. So no need to get upset, no need to think that you are left out of work. And you need to get involved in it yourself, help someone yourself, go to the sick yourself, do something yourself. And if necessary, the priest will probably involve you in organizing all the works of mercy.
We take care of children in oncology (in Buryatia). In addition to the cross, many have a Buddhist amulet hanging around their necks. How to be?
I think that, of course, a person should have only a cross on his chest. Unfortunately, many people do not understand this now. A lot of Orthodox girls wear some other jewelry along with the cross. Sometimes icons of saints are worn along with the cross, sometimes some kind of amulets. In fact, according to the canons, the wearing of such items, of course, is not allowed. On the chest of a person there can only be a cross, as a sign of our salvation, as a symbol of the fact that we belong to the Christian faith. If a person wears a Buddhist sign just as an ornament and if he treats it like that, maybe you can turn a blind eye to it. If this sign means his disposition to some Buddhist beliefs, if he resorts to the help of this Buddhist religion ... Although in fact Buddhism is not a religion, its founder founded it as such a teaching as a way to avoid suffering. But in our time, of course, this movement, it takes shape as a religion. If this person still has some connection with this religion, then, of course, you need to explain to him that you need to choose one thing. Either Christianity and wear a cross, or then be a Buddhist. But then you can neither confess nor take communion.
A familiar altar boy asks if it is possible to take communion at every liturgy?
You need to tell your friend Sash that “is it possible to take communion every day” you need to find out from the confessor. I am afraid that in our time there are very few people who would be ready to take communion every day. A person can receive communion every day if he is ready to die for Christ every day. A person who lives a church life can receive communion every day. A person who does not live in a family, maybe. Because family relationships, they do not involve daily communion. (Reads: If you stay in the church after communion, you can’t keep it clean. How to be?) I didn’t quite understand what “you can’t keep” means. Is the temple clean? The question is not entirely clear.
If the priest does not give answers to questions, and there is no experienced mentor. What to do?
I think that you need to find a priest who would answer your questions. Probably, there are such priests in the Chelyabinsk and Zlatoust diocese, in my opinion, as far as I know. Of course, you need to pray to God to send an experienced mentor. In general, such a mentor must be earned. Earn by obedience, earn by striving for God. Every truth must be suffered. Truth is not given so easily, like semolina from a spoon into a baby's mouth. You need to look for it, because it is very expensive. This is a very important and valuable thing in this world. The person who receives it must understand that in order to receive it, some kind of work must be overcome. Truth is high. To know it, you need to grow up a little. Truth is pure. To accept it, you need to cleanse yourself of dirt. And, of course, you need to ask God for help, you need to pray to God. I think the Lord will arrange everything then.
Can I take medication for outbursts of anger and aggression? Where does irritability come from?
Is it possible to take medications for irritability, you should probably ask your doctor. If this irritability is painful, associated with some physical illness, somatic illness, then, of course, you need to take some kind of medicine. How to determine where anger and irritability come from? From sickness or from demons. I think it doesn't matter where the anger and irritability comes from. It is important that you need to fight in both cases, and with anger and irritability. The cause of anger and irritability can be different passions. Usually, it is associated with pride. Perhaps, irritability increases when a person, well, there, let's say, did not have lunch. His gluttony, his attachment to food, she also, as it were, increases this irritability. Or when a person, there, is obsessed with some other passion and cannot satiate it. Then he starts getting annoyed. This can be found out experimentally, but the main thing is to fight irritability and anger, no matter where they come from.
The more you try to conquer passion, the more clearly you realize that you are weak. Desperation sets in...
Dear Olya, I must say that I can subscribe to your words too. I cannot say that I have got rid of all passions. I can say, like you, that I have not rid myself of a single passion. And that sometimes they get out at the most inopportune moment. I think there is no need to despair. The Lord says: “In whatever I find, in that I will judge.” If the Lord finds you struggling with all these passions, then you will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
If a person in a conversation often complains that everyone offends him around. Should I listen to it or not?
If a person, Yulia, complains about everything, you should probably listen to him first. And then gently tell him that you should not be offended. There was such a wonderful old man in Optina Hermitage. When monks came to him and complained that they were offended, that they were treated unfairly, he first listened to them and felt sorry for them. And then he said: “Well, you know, you still need to act like a Christian.” And he advised them to reconcile with the offender. I don't know if the person who complains about everything is a Christian. If he is not a Christian, then perhaps he does not need to be reminded of this commandment, but he needs to act somehow differently. But, of course, you can listen to a person, feel sorry for him, even if he complains unfairly.
How to commemorate non-church relatives with alms?
I think, Lenochka, it is not worth formally asking every beggar to whom you give alms to pray for this or that person. Not all beggars who sit even near churches are believing Orthodox people. You can give alms simply in memory of some person and pray to God yourself. But, if a begging Orthodox believer asks him to pray for his dead relatives, I think it is possible.
When we are scolded, this is good, but if such “nibbles” on the system, how should we behave?
I think, Anechka, in any situation when we are unfairly scolded, "bitten", as you write, in any case, we must learn to endure. I think that people, of course, sometimes act unfairly and incorrectly, but our business with you is to correct ourselves, not other people. And you can correct other people with love and humility.
How to come to terms with life circumstances, share your personal experience, Vladyka!
In my personal experience, Lyudochka, it often happened that I had to put up with it. I once read somewhere that one saint, when such temptations happened to him, repeated to himself as a prayer the words from the Psalter: “It is good for me, Lord, for thou hast humbled me.” If a person understands the benefits of humility, if he understands that he cannot truly humble himself, if he turns to God with some effort, and maybe even with some violence against himself, maybe even without fully understanding , offended at the insult, but still realizing that this bitter medicine must be swallowed, he repeats these words: “It is good for me, Lord, as if Thou hast humbled me,” I think that the Lord, for his desire to learn humility, will gradually teach him to humble himself, even in the most difficult circumstances.
Advise how to deal with mutual seduction (for example, in food or irritation). Should we stay away from such people?
Of course, Ivan, there is such a problem that we mutually interfere with each other, and do not help. Of course, one must be able to resist this temptation. And even in the Gospel it is said that "the enemies of a man are his household." Therefore, you need to be able to resist these temptations. You need to be able to move away from such people, if they are not close people. You need to be able to act all the same as you see fit, to act according to your conscience. But sometimes, if it's some small thing, you can, in order not to offend the other, not to upset him in front of this person, do what you didn't do, maybe if you were alone. In order not to be fit, not to be conceited that you are better than this person and so that he does not know about your high some kind internal structure. In this case, you need sometimes with humility, calmly, maybe eat something non-fasting that they offer you, maybe have dinner in the evening, although you were not going to do it, maybe talk to a person, even about nothing if he sad alone, let's say, but you do not want to engage in idle talk nonetheless. Sometimes you need to make some concessions.
Our family has domestic staff. How to properly, in a Christian way build your relationship with him?
Dear Masha, I am very glad that you have such an au pair. I think it's not bad to have such a nanny so that you can do what you love. But, of course, in such families earlier, educated and wealthy, there was a special attitude towards servants. The servant was, as it were, a member of the family. I think that you also have some kind of elderly people. And therefore, on the one hand, you can, of course, ask them for something, you can make a remark affectionately and calmly. But it must be done with love, with humility. It is necessary that the children they raise do not consider them second-class people. I remember how Agrippina Nikolaevna, who was a cell-attendant of Father Pavel Troitsky, said that in her childhood her father asked her to clean her shoes. And not only the boots of family members, but also the boots of servants. And she remembers what huge boots the janitor had, who cleaned their yard there, and how she asked with horror: “So what, the janitor’s boots too?” Dad said, "Yes, and the janitor's boots too." Although they were very large, and it must have been a lot of work for a little girl to clean the boots herself. So, of course, you need to, like this, probably, raise children. If the servants do not cope with their duties, if they begin to harm the children, then it is probably necessary to get rid of such people and look for some new household helpers.
How to survive the pain of the soul after accusations of deeds that you did not commit?
I think, Allochka, that this pain of the soul, of course, can be opened before God, you can share it with some close person, with your husband, with your girlfriend. You can and should tell your confessor about this. And, of course, it is possible and necessary to win through prayer. And this pain must be endured. This pain is just the pain of love, pain for other people, pain as a sacrifice for the sins of others. Thus, you accept, at least a small part, but in the sacrifice that the Lord offered on the cross for the sins of the world.
Despite the hard work, mine and my husband, we live more than modestly - even poorly. I'm in despair, crying at night. We have four children. How to learn to trust in God?
Dear Vera, why, my dear, cry at night because you live in poverty? Why work frantically, my dear, trying to live richly? You need to reconcile. It's good that you live in poverty. It is necessary to remember the words of Christ in the Gospel: "It is difficult for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." So, of course, this poverty must be tolerated. There are such words from one poet ... He really was so fashionable in Soviet time, it was translated by Marshak. This is the Scottish poet Robert Burns. He wrote: "Who honest poverty everything else is ashamed of his own, the lowest of people, the cowardly slave, and so on. Why should we be afraid of honest poverty? We are doing everything we can. Of course, I would like your crying at night not to be about material poverty, but about sins. Of course, I would like you to work furiously not so that your children live like your neighbors, say, rich ones, but so that your children learn about faith, strengthen in faith, learn about God, so that their children go to church. For this, frenzied work is needed in the spiritual plane. And the fact that there is some kind of poverty, I think that this is very good and very useful in fact. This is useful, including for children. And we know that to live peacefully and calmly in poverty is such a high nobility of the soul. In the twentieth century, when many emigrants, rich people, went to the West, they lived very poorly. And they carried this poverty with dignity. And, of course, if children live in poverty, if they live modestly, this will help them to understand in the future that life is not defined by poverty. As it is said in England, a man's life, his joy, his happiness does not depend on the abundance of his possessions. This is what you need to remember.
My friends godparents are a monk and a nun. Do the rules of the Nomocanon apply in modern life? Why do monks in rank get married?
Dear Tanechka, of course, the rule of the Nomocanon in our time cannot always be observed. If some people became godparents, and then became a monk and a nun, there is probably nothing to worry about. I know that some bishops are godparents to the children of wealthy parents, for example. So, perhaps, this is possible as an exception. If this happened, you should ask this monk, this nun to pray fervently for your children. Perhaps they will not be able to participate in education if they live in monasteries, but of course they can pray. And this prayer may be the most important thing that children need. Monastics in rank perform the sacrament of marriage. It is they who do this because the current life is a little different than it was when the rules of the Nomocanon were drawn up. We sometimes have monks living outside the monasteries. If they live outside the monasteries, then, of course, they have to perform all the sacraments of the Church in the parish, including the sacrament of the wedding.
Should I forgive a husband who left the family if he asks back (has a son)?
Dear Julia, it is very difficult to answer your question. The rule is: love must transcend the law. But, of course, there are situations when it is simply impossible to accept a husband back. This also happens. And in this situation - what should you do - you probably need to consult with the confessor. Perhaps you should pray to God. Of course, it is a pity if the son is left without a father. But it can be even worse if the son has a father who is a drunkard or a father who cheats on his wife. I don’t know why your husband left the family and what he did when he lived outside the family. So I can't really answer your question.
I have a godson, my nephew, I spend a lot of time with him, but sometimes he is naughty and I get annoyed. How to restrain yourself?
Dear Lenochka, you can’t, my dear, get angry and annoyed with the children. He's just small, they don't know how to behave, of course. Of course, they make noise, of course, they sometimes cry for nothing, of course, they are capricious, but such irritation with children testifies to a terrible passion - pride, self-esteem of a person. God is not angry with them, God forgives them everything. If such children go to the Kingdom of Heaven before the age of seven, then the church does not pray for the forgiveness of their sins. God does not impute these sins to them. These are not sins, these are some such weaknesses, some imperfections. It's not like an adult at all. You can't model your behavior on them. We are with you, when we shout and do something, we are responsible for what we do. We are able to stop ourselves, they are not able, they are small. Therefore, of course, it is imperative to repent of this and in no case be annoyed with the children.
Vladyka, you said that you know many brides and you can introduce them. Please introduce!
Dear Eugene, I really know a lot of good brides, a lot of girls who would like to get married. But, I'm afraid that such a correspondence acquaintance will not always have good result. Therefore, if you want to get to know them, you need to come to Moscow, live for six months, I'll look at you, work somewhere with us, find some kind of apartment, maybe. And then it will be possible to decide the issue of marriage. And so in absentia, I still somehow do not dare to do this.
Is confession required before communion? The husband is not very church-going - he is not ready for confession, but he wants to get married.
I think, Tanyusha, that, of course, if the husband wants to get married just formally, this cannot be done. If he does not want to repent of his sins, then how can he be allowed to get married. I would not marry such a person. Maybe I could talk to him? What are his reasons? Why does he refuse to confess and take communion? After all, God does the wedding. And God performs the Eucharist, God performs confession. If he refuses to be with God in two very important, basic sacraments, and wants only to marry his wife, what are the reasons for this desire?
Is it possible to pray for baptized but unbelieving relatives, or should this be done with caution?
I think that you can pray for your baptized but unbelieving relatives with great care. If they are relatives. But if the unbelievers - with caution.
My brother hanged himself. They buried him, but I'm not sure if he was ill. Is it possible to pray for him in the temple? And how to get rid of the sin of jealousy?
Yulechka, dear, I don't know if your cousin was really sick. If he was sick, then, of course, he could be buried. If he was not sick and deliberately committed this terrible sin, then, probably, this funeral was wrong action from the side of the priest or from the side of the bishop, perhaps. But I can't figure it out, unfortunately. Therefore, you act according to your conscience. You can pray for him anyway. But if this act was not the result of an illness, then, of course, it is impossible to write it in notes, and commemorate it with the whole church at the liturgy. And only home cell prayer is permissible about him. How to get rid of the sin of jealousy? The sin of jealousy, Yulechka, is a sin against love. Some say that jealousy comes from love. Jealousy does not come from love. It comes from selfishness. When a person loves himself very much, then he becomes jealous. He wants love, to be loved, but he himself does not know how to love and does not want to. Therefore jealousy arises. This, of course, a terrible demonic sin led one man to kill his wonderful wife. You must have heard the story about Desdemona, right? So it is necessary to fight against this sin.
How do you feel about eternal flames?
How do you feel about the eternal flames that burn on the graves of our dead soldiers? Well, you see, this is some kind of tradition that has become such a widespread custom among us. Newlyweds come to these eternal fires, lay flowers at the eternal fires, church people come to the eternal fires and pray there for the repose of the departed. I think that the form in which the feat of our fathers, grandfathers, great-grandfathers is commemorated is not so important, how important is the memory of them and prayer for them. The fact that it is expressed in such a form that is not quite ecclesiastical, it seems to me, is not so terrible.
My house does not have heating. I'm freezing, and officials demand payment. My patience is on the verge of breaking down. What to do?
Dear Nadyusha, God help you to establish heating in your house. God help you to endure all the troubles that officials bring you. God help you to be patient. If you need any help, you can write to us at miloserdie.ru, maybe we can help you with something.
Ekaterina Stepanova
Transcription: Julia Sokolova
Every person dreams of being happy. Every person deserves happiness ... if he put his strength, mind, heart and soul to it.
I often hear from people that they are tired of the circumstances unfavorable for them, and they are tired of fighting with them.
A little secret for everyone without exception!
There is no struggle with circumstances. Absolutely no. Fighting circumstances is like fighting windmills. Forgetting that they have an owner who built them in a good place for him, forced them to work using the power of the wind: he brought people to these mills, brought grain, receives flour, and then money, recognition, success, prosperity.
Any circumstance is just a consequence. Every circumstance has a reason - this is the person who created them.
Therefore, there is no struggle with circumstances. There is a struggle with oneself and people who create circumstances. There is a struggle with people so that they do not create those circumstances that you do not like with their decisions and actions.
Life is so arranged that one person does not like what another likes and the first wants to replace everything that the second has done - with his own, so desired by him, with what he considers true.
Another secret for everyone without exception!
You may not like something for several reasons:
1. You do not know how to do the same as others (sometimes it is very unpleasant to understand and experience).
2. You were once taught to react only this way and not otherwise (or you yourself learned). We are all, to one degree or another, hostages of our way of thinking. Sometimes, this style is very ineffective ... but it is not always noticeable to the person himself ...
3. You have always had a hard time adapting to new things. Man is such a creature - resists any changes.
4. You think that your point of view is the only correct one. You have not yet seen confirmation of the fidelity of other points of view.
5. You may lack flexibility and a systematic ability to work on yourself, developing new qualities and skills in order to adapt.
6. Sometimes you may not know something ...
And sometimes there is simply no person next to you who will help you understand yourself in order to make your life happier.
Why spend so much energy on the desire to win or subjugate situations to yourself? Forces and time inexorably dry up, as if sand wakes up through fingers. In such a struggle, you can quickly get to the moment when the whole world becomes not nice, and you are disgusted with yourself ...
We can connect with the world and experience it for what it really is.
To achieve a state of happiness or peace, success or efficiency (who is looking for what), you definitely - should be able to manage themselves, others and circumstances.
Women's wisdom is born in understanding yourself and the world order, and then in the ability to arrange your life in such a way that you yourself love and be loved ...
Success in life is born the same way: first you understand your strengths and you start using them, creating a business, gathering enthusiastic people around you, making a career, and then you improve ...
If you are on the verge of changes in your life, it is all the more worthwhile to understand yourself better: what strengths will you rely on, and what should you tighten up ...
Deciding to start a family or to strengthen already existing relationship, you should carefully study the patterns of a happy life in order to develop qualities that contribute to the creation of good relationships ...
We invite you to do all this on August 30 - September 1 at the legendary Elena Romanova "Spiritual Diving" in Moscow (which has been running with short breaks since 2007).
Take time for yourself to be more successful, happier, more confident...
On "Spiritual Diving" we will work:
- with your goals,
- dreams
- difficulties
- business tasks
- and any questions.
With what is important to you and what worries you. You will find a lot of work on yourself, discoveries and your conclusions, on which you will then rely in your life.
Register for .
Hurry up. There are only 8 places left.
