How to become a happy litvak. Mikhail Litvak: If you want to be useful to others, live for yourself

14.12.2023

M. E. LITVAK

IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY

Textbook on psychotherapy and psychology of communication

Second edition, revised and expanded

PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION

The first edition of the book “If You Want to Be Happy” was published at the end of 1995 with a circulation of 20 thousand copies, which, to my surprise, sold out quite quickly, requiring new editions. I'll explain why it's surprising. The book was actually a presentation of my scientific work, from which I simply removed some complex terms, numbers, which indicated that the author’s conclusions and recommendations are based on many years of work with patients, people in crisis situations, teachers, managers and generally with everyone whose activities are related to communication. Statistical calculations confirming the fairly high effectiveness of these techniques were also removed. The book also did not include exercises and descriptions of group psychotherapy and psychological training techniques, which, as I thought, were of interest only to professionals. But subsequent editions also quickly disappeared from store shelves. These were actually reprints, since the changes were minimal, and the volume and structure of the book were preserved.

I began to receive a lot of letters, mostly with positive feedback. There were a lot of requests for help (often these were cries for help!), many simply thanked for the book, which helped them get on their feet: improve family relationships, go to university, finish a dissertation, get a promotion and even achieve success in elections. Many readers have become active participants in our psychotherapeutic club CROSS (club of those who have decided to master stressful situations). Most of them have improved not only in their health, but also in their social status. Thus, during this time, 18 people defended their PhD theses in various sciences. So now I don’t need to look for lawyers, economists, teachers, accountants, builders, programmers. They are among those who studied with me. These are not just honest people and highly qualified specialists. These are also pleasant people to talk to. To my joy, I gained followers. Now, as far as I know, my students have organized similar centers in Tatarstan, Bashkiria, Kirov, Riga, Vladivostok, Astrakhan, Kaliningrad, the Far East and Kamchatka. Now I am negotiating the creation of club branches in Barnaul, Tyumen and Moscow.

But time passed. As you grew up, I also tried to keep up with you. On March 31, 1991, I even defended my doctoral dissertation. But this is not the main thing. I recorded all my trainings on audio and video tapes. If someone from out of town has a desire, you can copy it. New developments have appeared. The material grew and could no longer fit into one book. In addition, there were a number of comments that we carefully studied. Their main concerns were that the book, although interesting to read, was descriptive in nature and contained very little concrete advice. Then we decided not to publish the book “If You Want to Be Happy” anymore. We divided it into three books. It turned out to be a kind of three-volume book. We called the first volume “How to find out and change your destiny,” which combined all the techniques for working on yourself. The second volume, “Psychological Vampirism,” was devoted to the problem of communicating with one person and the mechanisms of conflict, the third, “Command or Obey,” gave recommendations on how to manage people without shouting and hassle, and so that they do not notice that they are being controlled. All these books were published in 1997.

All three books completely replaced the book “If you want to be happy.” Moreover, they contained those very practical recommendations in the form of short aphorisms and small explanations for them that our readers wanted to have. They were quite successful. But nevertheless, many asked “If you want to be happy.” The sellers explained that by purchasing a three-volume book, they would have much more practical material for much less money (by this time the price of the book among resellers reached 100-150 rubles, and the entire three-volume book was sold for less than fifty rubles and was published on better paper) . The publisher and I doubted whether “If You Want to Be Happy” would be in demand at a time when on the shelf nearby there was a more complete three-volume set and another book, “The Sperm Principle,” which combined only practical recommendations from all three books. Influenced by reader demand, additional prints were made in 1998. To our surprise, circulation sold out instantly, although the above-mentioned four books could have been purchased. 1999 is already ending, and requests for “If you want to be happy” come and go...

The author, like Kozma Prutkov, believes that a person’s happiness is in his own hands. And if he knows how to communicate with himself, finds a common language with loved ones, is able to manage a group and quickly get used to a new situation, he is doomed to happiness. The author uses his rich clinical experience and experience in psychological counseling and gives simple recommendations on how to improve communication.

The book is intended for psychotherapists, psychologists, and teachers. May be of interest to a wide range of readers.

The first book, “Psychological Aikido,” received many reviews. Here's one of them. “Dear Mikhail Efimovich! I am a refugee from Armenia. I will not describe the hardships that my family had to experience. In Rostov, I read your book “Psychological Aikido”, and it helped me improve family relationships. And this compensated for the suffering that we suffered during the move.” They were grateful that with the help of this book they were able to advance in their careers, get rid of their offenders, and conclude a profitable deal. There were many requests to continue publishing books of similar content. Themes were also suggested. After that I wrote three more books:

“Psychological diet”, “Neuroses”, “Algorithm of luck”.

The book that you now hold in your hands was conceived back when I began to use modern methods in the treatment of patients with neuroses.

It turned out that patients with neuroses should not only be treated, but should be helped to learn to be happy. Now you can exclaim: “I’m already healthy and happy!” Well, I'm happy for you. Then don't buy this book. You don't need it. It is for those who currently have problems at home or at work, for those who are sick with neurosis or psycho-somatic illness, who feel that they are capable of more, but cannot realize their abilities. I think it will be useful for teachers, journalists, managers, salespeople, for anyone whose professional activity involves communicating with a large number of people. I hope it will help parents establish relationships with their children, children - maintain good relationships with their parents and at the same time, get away from petty supervision. It is possible that it will help quarreling spouses save their marriage, and desperate ones - create their own family. I think with its help you will be able to advance in your career, get out of the conflict with honor or prevent it.

This book is devoted to the problem of communication and has five parts. I want to warn you right away that there are repetitions in it, but this is not the result of my negligence, but a pedagogical technique, because “repetition is the mother of learning.” I also understand that this book is not a detective story (they won’t read it back to back), but a guide to action. And sending the reader each time to different pages would be disrespectful to him and would make it difficult to perceive the material. In addition, each section has an independent meaning, and leaving it without any detail is the same as creating a sculpture without an arm, without a leg, or without a head.

Annotation

M.E. Litvak

M.E. Litvak

IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY

To everyone who has lost hope and given up

The first book, Psychological Aikido, received many reviews. Here's one of them. “Dear Mikhail Efimovich! I am a refugee from Armenia. I will not describe the hardships that my family had to experience. In Rostov, I read your book “Psychological Aikido”, and it helped me improve family relationships. And this compensated for the suffering that we suffered during the move.” They were grateful that with the help of this book they were able to advance in their careers, get rid of their offenders, and make a profitable deal. There were many requests to continue publishing books of similar content. Themes were also suggested. After that I wrote three more books:

“Psychological diet”, “Neuroses”, “Algorithm of luck”.

The book that you now hold in your hands was conceived back when I began to use modern methods in the treatment of patients with neuroses.

It turned out that patients with neuroses should not only be treated, but should be helped to learn to be happy. Now you can exclaim: “I’m already healthy and happy!” Well, I'm happy for you. Then don't buy this book. You don't need it. It is for those who are currently having problems at home or at work, for those who are sick with neurosis or psychosomatic illness, who feel that they are capable of more, but cannot realize their abilities. I think it will be useful for teachers, journalists, managers, sellers, for everyone whose professional activity involves communicating with a large number of people. I hope it will help parents establish relationships with their children, children - maintain good relationships with their parents, and at the same time It’s time to get away from petty tutelage. It is possible that it will help quarreling spouses save their marriage, and desperate ones - create their own family. I think with its help you will be able to advance in your career, get out of the conflict with honor or prevent it.

This book is devoted to the problem of communication and has five parts. I would like to warn you right away that there are repetitions in it, but this is not the result of my negligence, but a pedagogical technique, because “repetition is the mother of learning.” I also understand that this book is not a detective story (they won’t read it in a row), but a guide to action. And sending the reader each time to different pages would be disrespectful to him and would make it difficult to perceive the material. In addition, each section has an independent meaning, and leaving it without any detail is the same as creating a sculpture without an arm, without a leg, or without a head.

In the first part shows how to communicate with yourself, how to love yourself, how to change your destiny. It practically repeats the book “I: Algorithm of Luck”. In the second part I tried to identify the hidden springs of the conflict. The previously published “Psychological Aikido” is an integral part of it.

The third part will help the reader determine his place in the family or in the production team and improve his position if he does not like it. It is mainly intended for young professionals who, by the will of fate or of their own free will, find themselves in a leadership position and do not have management skills. It includes a “Psychological Diet”, which outlines a technique for purposefully modeling emotions, since the psychological climate in a team, from my point of view, depends entirely on the leader or manager.

Fourth part It will help you quickly find your way in an unfamiliar company and successfully give a lecture or report in front of unfamiliar or completely unfamiliar people. I would like to think that it will be useful to politicians when drafting speeches and speeches at rallies (the author has experience advising election campaigns). Teaching public speaking techniques often does not work because the speakers are unfamiliar with the basics of logic. That is why the chapter “Logic and Life” is included here.

Fifth part- this is my monograph “Neuroses”. It is intended mainly for professionals (although I know that my patients also bought it) and is the methodological basis of the previous parts of the book.

A person wants to be happy. What should be done for this? First of all, do not strive for happiness, for it, like authority, love, and joy, is a by-product of properly organized activity. Therefore, one must become worthy of happiness, i.e. personal growth is necessary. On this path you will acquire your own style, your own handwriting, and you will not be confused with others, because “to be is to be different.” I tried to show in this book that every person has an algorithm for luck. And if you don't like your fate, change it. Remember, from Kozma Prutkov: “If you want to be happy, be happy!”

Who is who or

SYSTEM OF VALUES

They say hope dies last. I would kill her first. Hope is killed and fear disappears; hope is killed and man becomes active; hope is killed and independence appears. And the first thing I try to do for my clients and patients is to kill their hope that everything will somehow change, settle down, work out, endure, fall in love. No, it won’t change, it won’t settle down, it won’t get by, it won’t endure, it won’t fall in love!

As a psychotherapist, I have to deal with patients with neuroses. Neurosis is a neuropsychic disorder that develops after psychological trauma that disrupts the normal course of a person’s life. Psychological trauma includes troubles at work and in the family. Patients themselves consider the cause of the disease to be the incorrect behavior of a communication partner or an unfavorable combination of circumstances. They direct all their efforts to fight their partner or circumstances, but rarely think about their role in causing trouble.

Let me give you an example.

A., 38 years old, was admitted to our clinic after attempting to commit suicide in a state of deep depression. The “groom” is an alcoholic who lives in A.’s apartment and at her expense, in her absence he brought his mistress into the house. I asked A. how her life was going. It turned out that she was brought up in a hardworking peasant family and was taught to live in the interests of the school and at home to the detriment of her own. While still a student, she married a classmate who turned out to be an alcoholic. For a year and a half I hoped, endured, forgave, convinced. But still she was forced to break up with him. By that time she already had a child to feed. A. dropped out of school and returned to her parents. Health was good. She began working as a machine operator. She became financially stronger and married the man she worked with. He also turned out to be an alcoholic. Life with her first husband seemed like paradise to her. A. was forced to flee to the city, but with two children. Here she worked as an accountant, worked part-time as a sewer at home, and got a three-room cooperative apartment. A life friend was missing. A.. tried to get married three times, but all the “suitors” turned out to be... alcoholics. My health began to deteriorate. Doctors diagnosed hypertension, cholecystitis, and uterine fibroids. A.. often felt tired, irritated, took out my anger on the children, was constantly overcome by sad thoughts, but still somehow held on. And only the last “groom” brought her to the brink - the patient was poisoned. A.. they had time for sweets, and at the clinic her condition quickly improved. I began to communicate with patients. Good relations were established with everyone. The women admired A.'s taste and discussed dress styles with her. Men also willingly spent time in her company. It should be noted that approximately 20 men are treated in our department at the same time. We usually don’t keep alcoholics, but when our ill-fated heroine was in the clinic, one alcoholic was being treated with us.

Current page: 1 (book has 36 pages in total)

M.E. Litvak

IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY

To everyone who has lost hope and given up

FROM THE AUTHOR

“Psychological diet”, “Neuroses”, “Algorithm of luck”.

The book that you now hold in your hands was conceived back when I began to use modern methods in the treatment of patients with neuroses.

It turned out that patients with neuroses should not only be treated, but should be helped to learn to be happy. Now you can exclaim: “I’m already healthy and happy!” Well, I'm happy for you. Then don't buy this book. You don't need it. It is for those who are currently having problems at home or at work, for those who are sick with neurosis or psychosomatic illness, who feel that they are capable of more, but cannot realize their abilities. I think it will be useful for teachers, journalists, managers, sellers, for everyone whose professional activity involves communicating with a large number of people. I hope it will help parents establish relationships with their children, children - maintain good relationships with their parents, and at the same time It’s time to get away from petty tutelage. It is possible that it will help quarreling spouses save their marriage, and desperate ones - create their own family. I think with its help you will be able to advance in your career, get out of the conflict with honor or prevent it.

This book is devoted to the problem of communication and has five parts. I want to warn you right away that there are repetitions in it, but this is not the result of my negligence, but a pedagogical technique, because “repetition is the mother of learning.” I also understand that this book is not a detective story (they won’t read it in a row), but a guide to action. And sending the reader each time to different pages would be disrespectful to him and would make it difficult to perceive the material. In addition, each section has an independent meaning, and leaving it without any detail is the same as creating a sculpture without an arm, without a leg, or without a head.

Fifth part– this is my monograph “Neuroses”. It is intended mainly for professionals (although I know that my patients also bought it) and is the methodological basis of the previous parts of the book.

Who is who or

SYSTEM OF VALUES

They say hope dies last. I would kill her first. Hope was killed and fear disappeared, hope was killed and man became active, hope was killed and independence appeared. And the first thing I try to do for my clients and patients is to kill their hope that everything will somehow change, settle down, work out, endure, fall in love. No, it won’t change, it won’t settle down, it won’t get by, it won’t endure, it won’t fall in love!

Let me give you an example.

Now guess who she liked and who intensively courted her? Right! He is the only alcoholic in the clinic. And many such examples can be given.

Many people shrug their shoulders - fate! Indeed, every day a person has a lucky chance many times. But he chooses, if this is his destiny, the only one that leads him to misfortune. The conclusion suggests itself - there is an algorithm that determines our fate. And if it is incorrect, then the person becomes “fixated”, and external circumstances are only the background of his misfortunes. Under unfavorable circumstances, complete conformity arises, and a person can explain his misfortunes by them. At least they sympathize with him! But if circumstances are favorable, life becomes even more tragic. So, Cinderella, in accordance with her algorithm, must get married; for a neurotic or an alcoholic and drag out a miserable existence. But thriftiness and kindness allow her to somehow make ends meet. When she marries the Prince, her life becomes hell. It is more difficult to clean the palace. And then there’s the dacha, the car... And it’s even impossible to invite a servant, because she too will sit on Cinderella’s head.

Treatment, especially medication, cannot change the fate of the patient. To really help the patient, his algorithm should be changed, i.e. re-educate him. But it is impossible to re-educate an adult. You can only re-educate yourself!

If you are dissatisfied with yourself, I would like to hope that this first part of my book will help you work on yourself, better understand yourself and others, choose a partner, and also, if you have children, raise them correctly and thereby protect them from an unhappy fate and neurosis. Perhaps it will be useful for teachers, administrators and in general everyone who, due to the nature of their work, is forced to communicate a lot with people.

If you simply read this part with interest, even if you do not accept its provisions, I will be pleased that I was able to occupy you for some time. But if you decide to use it for self-education, take one piece of advice:

start reading from the first chapter. My psychotherapeutic trainings begin with this material. The ideas in this chapter make many clients angry (some even stop communicating with me). I don't insist that I'm right. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I think now! Those who disagree with me, know: when I thought differently than you do now, I brought a lot of grief to myself and my loved ones. Stay with your opinion if I haven’t convinced you and if everything is fine with you. But still, think, maybe I’m right in some ways. There were times when my opponents, having gone through several more circles of their own hell, agreed with me.

So, know yourself. First of all, I am a biological organism. In addition, being a representative and member of human society, in socio-psychological terms I am a person. Let's leave the personality aside for a while and take care of the nutritional, defensive, and sexual needs. They are listed in order of importance to the body. If I'm hungry, I'm not safe, I'm not interested in sex.

As stated above, the most important figure is me. That is, I myself must achieve certain benefits and be able to use them, take care of satisfying my needs. But I cannot satisfy them without the help of my partners. The second place in my post is occupied by the one who helps me “hunt and defend”, i.e. the one who helps me earn money is an employee; third – sexual partner. If my sexual partner is also my employee, he becomes the closest and most necessary person to me.

The conclusion immediately suggests itself that the family will be strong if the husband and wife cooperate with each other, if they are engaged in a common cause (it is not at all necessary to have the same professions for this). It is then, in accordance with biblical instructions, that “the husband will cleave to his wife.” Unfortunately, often married life does not work out, and then the love that should be given to the spouse is transferred to another object (to a child, parent, animal or even some thing). Now - an example.

Patient B. had moderate disease and a favorable outcome was expected. The parents reacted adequately to his condition and my conversations, came strictly at scheduled times, were upset when their son got worse, and were happy when his son improved. But his sister V., an interesting woman of 33 years old, cried during conversations with me, said that B. is like a son, that she would not survive if everything ended tragically, promised to thank her, etc. She came very often and, in my opinion, with her intrusiveness she irritated not only the clinic staff, but also my brother. I decided to do it at the same time. It turned out that she worked as a teacher in a small town near Rostov. Family life did not work out. I didn’t dare to have extramarital affairs for various reasons. Her brother was precisely her “psychological husband,” while her personal disorder (more precisely, its meaning) was repressed into the unconscious. V. turned out to be an intelligent woman and after a psychoanalytic conversation she realized that without introducing this into consciousness, she would never solve the main problem. If you deceive yourself, you can cry in public. But you won’t cry because you don’t have a husband] You can only do this on your pillow! V. began to behave calmer. (I would like to warn novice psychotherapists of psychoanalytic directions: show the patient the true picture, but under no circumstances give him specific advice, highlight the problem, but do not solve it for him.) We cured B.. Several years passed, and he again entered the clinic with an exacerbation. The parents, as before, came at the appointed time and behaved calmly. There was no sister. About a month has passed. Once I was on duty on Sunday. And when the time allotted for the date had almost expired, V. ran in, hurriedly handed his brother a package and, apologizing to those in front, was about to leave. At that moment I stopped her and asked about... the well-being of her child. How did I guess that she got married and had a child? This will be discussed in detail in another book, which will talk about love. Yes, indeed, when a problem is brought into consciousness, it becomes possible to solve it.

A child can also be a “psychological spouse”. Once we treated a 19-year-old girl with a fairly mild illness. But the mother’s reaction was as if her daughter was dying. And the reason was that the mother did not have a good relationship with her husband.

And one more example.

I had a young family consulted about sexual disharmony; this led the husband to hypopoteicia. G.’s wife was not imbued with the importance of the recommendations and carried them out demonstratively reluctantly. The matter ended in divorce, and G. was left alone with her five-year-old daughter. I advised her to try to arrange her personal life, but she decided to live for her daughter. Life brought us together periodically, and I warned G. that in about ten years she would contact me about her relationship with her daughter. Seeing that these conversations were unpleasant for her, I stopped having them.

And so it happened. Ten years later, G. came to see me with her daughter. The problem was that the daughter came out dila out of obedience. S^zhv the girl complained that she could not establish relationships with boys.” But this is how it had to happen! The girl was with her mother all the time. There were men near the mother, and she could see how the woman behaved. with a man. She had no one to take an example from, I had no one to imitate. A girl, when she developed a sexual attraction, forced herself on the boys or was rude to them. And then I scared them away. The mother's conversations about how she should behave did nothing. An elephant is not raised. In addition, unhappy parents raise unhappy children. Parents need to show, not tell, their child how to live. If you want your child to be happy, first become happy yourself! I advised G. to leave the girl alone. She suggested that her daughter would do whatever she wanted. I agreed with her, but noticed that over time everything would definitely get better, provided that G. left his daughter alone. She listened to me. The girl really went through the motions. But a year and a half later it changed. She, as they say, took over her mind. From G. I found out that my daughter has entered the university and is starting to study with great interest.

A Here is a somewhat curious case.

D.’s cat went missing, and during a group psychotherapy session she talked about it with sad irony. D. understood that it was not the cat. But understanding does not always relieve the experience, although I facilitate it. You, of course, already guessed that D. did not love her husband.

Why am I all about women? Men have the same problems. But, as a rule, they solve them by going into production and social work (this is the best option), or with the help of vodka and mistresses.

So, I hope I have convinced you that it is necessary to improve your personal life, relationships with your spouse, and substitution Not not only ineffective, but also harmful.

Well, what about the children? Children end up in fourth place. It seems crazy, but it's true. Tell me, my dear readers, when you conceived your children, did you think about them? No. The children occupied your thoughts later. Our ancient ancestors, I am sure, did not associate sexual intercourse with the birth of a child. They simply resolved their issues, i.e. lived for themselves. Practice and clinical experience show that when at this moment they think about the details, they do not get the desired result.

If I live for myself, then what should I do with my children? Raise them so that they quickly become independent from me and I can again go about my business. Animals do this. They teach their young to hunt. And as soon as the latter begin to hunt on their own, they leave the family, but quite often remain in the pack. (This is the nature of herd animals, and ours too, if you do not pay attention to some social aspects.) Shouldn’t we adopt the indicated “educational principle” from animals?

It is obvious that a child, in accordance with his age, must do something for himself: at 2 years old, hold a spoon on his own, at 7 years old, dress without anyone’s help, at 10 years old, take care of himself completely, at 14-15 years old, earn pocket money. money.

Do children benefit from this approach? They win. They learn everything. Parents who claim that they live for their children are actually lying (without realizing it). “Can he wash his shirt properly,” says such a mother, “and the teacher will judge me” (i.e., she washes the shirt, ultimately, for herself). I used to live for children too. There was nothing good about it. When I started living for myself, it became easier for both me and the children. The entire educational impact was concentrated in one phrase: “Don’t bother me to live.”

One day, my youngest son brought home a bad mark in Russian, and the following dialogue took place between us.

I: Do you understand that you are interfering with my life? Now I have to go to school, listen to the teacher’s lectures, and I have a lot of things to do.

Son: The teacher is a fool, she gave me a bad mark.

Me (after looking at the work and making sure that the two was given correctly, although it could have been a three): You're right, the teacher is a fool! Are you smart?

Son: Yes, I'm smart!

I: Well then, fool her and don’t interfere with my life!

Son: How to fool her?

Me (taking the notebook): Look, if you had written “dawn” and not “zorya”, you would have fooled her!

My son agreed with me...

The mother wraps up the child, and often does not let him go for a walk so that he does not catch a cold. But it is harmful for the child. She does this not for his sake, but for her own sake - she feels calmer this way. In general, all prohibitions are 99% dictated not by the interests of children. This happens because we often give children not the parental love they need, but marital love or our own anxieties.

So, my children are in fourth place in terms of importance to me. A few words to parents who reproach their children for ingratitude. Let's be objective. If we determine the expenses (food, clothing, education, etc.) for our children for 18-20 years, the amount will not be that big. Now let's see what they give us. Firstly, a sense of self-worth: I have children! And how would I now talk about raising children if I didn’t have my own? You. they could say: “It’s good for you to reason without having children of your own. I wish I could look at you..."

Well, since I, not knowing the methods of education, first spoiled my children, and then, having mastered these methods, re-educated myself and helped them, and my reasoning looks convincing. And it’s easier to defend my point of view, since there is a concrete result: I helped not only my clients and students, but also my own children to re-educate. In addition, I now understand how parents spoil their children, despite good intentions, and I know exactly what should not be done: children should not be persecuted and should not be spared from difficulties.

My patient (or client) in life situations when communicating with partners, including children, is in the “triangle of fate” (Fig. 1). He comes to see me in the role Victims. My task is to teach him to build his relationships on conditions of equality, first of all with children, and then with all communication partners. Then he will cease to be A victim. When I first learned about this “triangle”, I was shocked. I reviewed my whole life and realized why I was unlucky: because I did not have equal relationships with anyone. I realized that troubled adolescence is the result of poor relationships with children earlier in life.

How should the relationship between a child and parents develop according to the Laws - the laws of nature, which no one can bypass or bypass? Our biggest disagreements with our child arise when he is just born. As the child grows, his interests and ours should become closer, and at puberty they should merge! The conflict between parents and children is always a pathology. And if such a conflict occurs frequently, this does not mean that it is the norm. We can’t consider measles or flu normal! Fortunately, after changing the algorithm for contacting children, I was able to get rid of this problem. No, we have conflicts, but only business ones. They are resolved on a completely different level and make us closer to each other.

And now about the parents. They are in fifth place for me. This provision especially often causes heated objections from streets over 45. My dear peers! I used to think the same way you think now. But somewhere at this age I myself came to this conclusion. This is why I have been able to maintain a good relationship with my children. I realized that according to the Laws, as a parent I am in fifth place. To become closer to them, I decided to move to the second place - the place of an employee. If a child has problems in the family, you can take third place. But this is very bad. No matter how good a parent is, he can never replace a husband or wife for his child. This should be especially taken into account by those who are raising sons. Mothers often tell their sons something like this: “You may have many wives, but only one mother.” Such education, if it becomes a guide to action, leads to great misfortunes. No matter how many wives there are, a man lives with his wife, not with his mother!

Unfortunately, I was brought up in this spirit too. After marriage, for the first year and a half we lived with my mother. I have always had a very good relationship with my mother, and, naturally, even better with my wife. But then I didn’t know and couldn’t do much, and those year and a half were hell for me, although from the outside everything looked decent. When my mother complained about my wife, I told my mother that she was right and asked her be patient, I told my wife the same thing. Once my mother asked me who fries cutlets better. I answered her: “Of course you are, mommy!” When same My wife asked a similar question and praised her. To be honest, by that time I was already more accustomed to my wife’s kitchen. One unfortunate evening, I prepared minced cutlets, and my wife wanted to start frying the cutlets. At this moment my mother comes up and says: “Let me fry the cutlets. Misha said that I fry cutlets better.” I will not describe the further scene, I will only say that I fried the cutlets, and then for a long time I could not understand why my generally patient and flexible wife was so offended because of such a trifle. Then I realized: precisely because I’m patient!

Let me note in passing: you should never be patient! Feedback should be given immediately. Don't expect your partner to understand that you don't like his actions. If I take care of myself first, then he will be better too. If the wife had not been patient, measures would have been taken earlier. And so I thought that mother and wife get along with each other. Only later did I find out that life was unbearable for them too. The same rules apply here, though ive medicine. The earlier treatment is started, the more effective it will be, and even better, prevention. So, if I take care of myself, it makes my partner better. A psychotherapist can tell many tragic stories when a person cares about a partner and not about himself. How can one not remember here the “caring” parents who raised their son unadapted to life and thereby contributed to his becoming a victim of hazing.

Here's an almost comical incident.

Remember in Ecclesiastes: “A time to embrace and a time to shrink from embrace.” He, an indecisive young man, finally hugged the girl to her great pleasure. But now the time has come to avoid hugs. He did not dare to do this, for fear of offending her. She was also afraid to give feedback. They both wanted to avoid the hug. If at least one of them acted in his own interests, everything would end well. Ah, so the mood of both of them dropped sharply. She said something harsh, he was offended, and a breakup occurred... Isn’t it ridiculous?

I would like to warn doctors about one phenomenon that is observed in clinical practice. There are cases when patients, not wanting to upset the doctor, do not give him feedback. The doctor believes that everything is fine and does not make additional appointments. Sometimes the ballroom dancer does not say that he feels better, for fear of “jinxing it.” The doctor changes the treatment tactics, and the patient gets worse. In both cases, both the patient and the doctor lose.

Some managers do not like unpleasant news and avoid receiving feedback, and then catastrophes are unexpected for them. Now experienced businessmen understand that the one who owns the information controls, i.e. the one who receives feedback.

But let's return to the role of parents in the lives of children. So, realizing that I was in fifth place among my children, I decided to move to second. My eldest son became interested in psychotherapy, and I haven’t had any problems here for a long time. I think you will soon be able to read his book “Ero-

toanalysis and erotic therapy." Psychotherapy did not take the younger one for long. And then I realized that I should not involve children in my business, but get involved in their affairs. Along the way, I realized that children should listen to their parents, and at the same time same time should not listen to them. I obey my parents, my children obey me, my grandchildren obey my children, etc. Where is the progress? In general, everything new always meets resistance, and an idealist is one who wants to make a great discovery and immediately be recognized.

So, my son became interested in breaking, and I began to learn from him. He scolded me when I didn't succeed and praised me when I did. When he became interested in Wushu, I took up Tai Tzu. I assure you it didn't hurt me! Firstly, my son did not hide from me, he knew that he had the final say if he acted within the framework of his rights and did not interfere with the lives of others. Secondly, I caught the moment in time when he directed all his efforts towards becoming a bodyguard. Thanks to this, it was possible to convince him that it was better to be protected. Thirdly, my health has improved. When he, as a student, decided to become a businessman, during the holidays I got him a job in a brokerage office. Then he became convinced that he was right about something, and he created his own company.

Now let's summarize some results.

The most important person for myself is me. That's why I take first place. A. Schopenhauer wrote: “For the good of the individual, even more for his being, the most essential thing is what lies or happens in him.”

U A. S. Pushkin we read:

Whom to love? Who to believe? Who won't cheat on us alone? Who helpfully measures all deeds, all speeches by our yardstick? Who doesn’t sow slander about us? Who cares for us? Who cares about our vice? Who never gets bored? The vain seeker of the ghost, without losing his labors in vain,

Love yourself, my honorable reader! A worthy subject: there is nothing more amiable, it’s true.

In second place is my employee. On the third is the wife. And if I work with my wife, she will take second place. Then come the children and parents.

You have to live for myself. It benefits others too if done correctly. “Love your neighbor as yourself,” says the gospel commandment. But You can love your neighbor and enjoy his reciprocity only if you love yourself. Otherwise, you have no chance of happiness.

If you don't love yourself, then you are a bad person. Therefore, having fallen in love, you immediately same must leave your loved one. You won’t give him bad things!

If you myself love, you will never shout at your subordinates, spoil their mood, or do nasty things to them. After all, they will then work poorly, and this will ultimately have a negative impact on you.

If you myself love, then you will not conflict with your boss, it does not matter whether he is smart or a fool. You will trick a fool, you will come to an agreement with a smart one.

If you love yourself, you will have a great relationship with both your parents and your children.

What should be the algorithm so that I can love myself?

This is what the second chapter is about. Who am I

As a biological organism I apparently exist from the moment of conception, but as a person I begin to take shape from the moment of birth. In psychology, personality is understood as a person as a bearer of social relations. When did you get your personality? How old do you remember yourself? Fragmentary memories have remained in my memory since I was three or four years old. The entire life line can be clearly traced from the age of five to seven. At this time, you first separated yourself from the rest of the world and developed your own attitude towards it. At the same time, you have not lost your biological properties. It is on their basis that your personality was formed, which is a complex interweaving of biological, psychological and social. To live in accordance with the laws of nature, you need to know the psychological properties of the individual – inclinations, abilities, temperament, character.

14.11.2019 06:19

Buy a paper book on Labirint.ru

Preface to the second edition

The first edition of the book “If You Want to Be Happy” was published at the end of 1995 with a circulation of 20 thousand copies, which, to my surprise, sold out quite quickly, which required new editions. I'll explain why it's surprising. The book was actually a presentation of my scientific work, from which I simply removed some complex terms, numbers, which indicated that the author’s conclusions and recommendations were based on many years of work with patients, people in crisis situations, teachers, managers and in general with everyone whose activities are related to communication. Statistical calculations confirming the fairly high effectiveness of these techniques were also removed. The book also did not include exercises and descriptions of group psychotherapy and psychological training techniques, which, as I thought, were of interest only to professionals. But subsequent editions also quickly disappeared from store shelves. These were actually reprints, since the changes were minimal, and the volume and structure of the book were preserved.

I began to receive a lot of letters, mostly with positive feedback. There were a lot of requests for help (often these were cries for help!), many simply thanked for the book, which helped them get on their feet: improve family relationships, enter a university, finish a dissertation, get a promotion and even achieve success in elections. Many readers have become active participants in our psychotherapeutic club CROSS (a club of those who have decided to master stressful situations). Most of them have improved not only their health, but also their social status has changed. Thus, during this time, 18 people defended their PhD theses in various sciences. So now I don’t need to look for lawyers, economists, teachers, accountants, builders, programmers. They are among those who studied with me. These are not just honest people and highly qualified specialists. These are also pleasant people to talk to. To my joy, I gained followers. Now, as far as I know, my students have organized similar centers in Tatarstan, Bashkiria, Kirov, Riga, Vladivostok, Astrakhan, Kaliningrad, the Far East and Kamchatka. Now I am negotiating the creation of club branches in Barnaul, Tyumen and Moscow.

We called the first volume “How to find out and change your destiny,” which combined all the techniques for working on yourself.

The second volume, “Psychological Vampirism,” was devoted to the problem of communication with one person and the mechanisms of conflict.

The third volume, “To Command or Obey,” gave recommendations on how to manage people without shouting and hassle, and so that they do not notice that they are being controlled.

NEW